(A collaboration between The Halfway Post and Michael Collier of Cat Melodeon News.)
St. Louis, MO—
Disgraced former Missouri Governor Eric Greitens recently announced his candidacy for his state’s Senate seat opening up with the coming retirement of Senator Roy Blunt, and said today in a press conference that his past legal troubles have taught him a lot and made him a better man.
“I’m a totally different person now, and I’ve used my time away from politics to really improve myself,” said Greitens. “Since I had my political career ruined, I’ve converted to feminist in order to be able to run for office again as a purified social justice warrior! For instance, I now am fully committed to respecting women. When I want to have a sordid, sadomasochist affair behind my vanilla, Christian wife’s back with some saucy hairstylist, I’ll make sure I always have the mistress’s consent. And when I want to tie her hands to exercise rings and blindfold her, I’ll make sure I ask first. And when I secretly take illicit photos of her, I’ll make sure not to threaten blackmail and revenge porn against her. Not again. Eric Greitens learns from his mistakes, I promise that to all Missourians! And I’ll never call my mistresses ‘little whore’ like I did in my last affair because I understand how demeaning that term is now that I’ve finally suffered a consequence for my closeted misogyny. And now that I’m a feminist, I invite any sexy hairstylists out there who want to make me suffer for my past sins to come tie me up, take off my clothes, and do anything they want to my body. Anything. And take all the photos they want! Fair is fair, and, now that I’m a feminist, I want to atone for my crimes against women. My wife is getting upset about this, but I’ve told her a hundred times this has nothing to do with infidelity, cheating, or a betrayal of our Christian marriage. This is just social justice! It’s not my fault being a SJW can be hot and sexy, as well as progressive! So sign up on my senate campaign website. I’ve got appointments available every 30 minutes during normal business hours, and we have a special room in my campaign headquarters with a camera, rope, exercise rings, and various torture instruments already set up for any women who want to come strike back against the patriarchy on my flesh and gonads!”
Greitens also addressed his other scandals, and said he wouldn’t commit any more charity fraud, campaign finance fraud, or computer tampering. He also mentioned that he has been reaching out to disgraced Representative Matt Gaetz, and giving Mr. Gaetz pointers on how to recalibrate his public image.
“I told Matt to just convert to feminism like me!” Greitens said. “It’s very simple. Just say three ‘Hail Hillarys,’ buy a pink, knitted ‘pussy hat,’ and get a Ruth Bader Ginsburg sticker for your car bumper! Now all your past patriarchal sins are forgiven by Elizabeth Cady Stanton!”
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