- The MAGA fan in Iowa who accidentally burned down his house yesterday trying to burn a gay pride flag today set his truck on fire trying to burn a DVD of Brokeback Mountain.
- Donald Trump’s lawyers reportedly have a fake courtroom set up in Trump Tower, and Trump has spent the week since his criminal conviction attending a fake trial where all the witnesses say he’s innocent, and a genius, and definitely lasted longer than 30 second with Stormy Daniels, but he never even met her, and she’s just a liar.
- Thousands of Fox News viewers have begun boycotts of the conservative media company for accurately reporting that Trump is now a convicted felon.
- A new study found that 6% of Manhattanites have personally experienced Donald Trump announcing he’ll pay their tabs at a restaurant, gala, or other event, but leaving without ever paying. “The only thing he gave us was his infamous used-diaper stench!” said one Manhattanite.
- Donald Trump has reportedly promised the vice presidency to J.D. Vance, Nikki Haley, Vivek Ramaswamy, Marco Rubio, and Tim Scott, and wants to see what degrading things they’ll do for it.
- Donald Trump’s new nondisclosure agreement for all prospective second term appointees is reportedly 147 pages long, and explicitly forbids them comparing his intellect or attention span to an elementary schooler, or whistle-blowing about what he tells the military he wants them to do.
- Vladimir Putin is reportedly remembering how stupid and difficult to collude with Donald Trump is after Trump blurted out their secret Evan Gershkovich election deal with no self-control.
- The National Association of Flag Enthusiasts (FAFE) just named Samuel Alito’s wife as their “Flag Ambassador of the Year,” an honor that commemorates her contagious passion for the art of flag waving.
- Donald Trump has reportedly been depressed since the end of his trial because he had really enjoyed napping all day while in court, and getting to occasionally make the evil, communist prosecutors smell his rancid McDonalds Filet-O-Fish flatulence.
- Todd Blanche reportedly just received the feared “You will be paid in two weeks” invoice notice from Donald Trump.
- In a rare moment of humility, Donald Trump reportedly told his lawyers this morning, “I have no one to blame but myself,” but then he snorted a line of Adderall and wrote on Truth Social that Judge Merchan is the devil.
- Joe Biden just signed an executive order mandating the federal prison system treats all incarcerated former presidents to “McDonald’s Mondays” as a gesture of political unity following Donald Trump’s criminal conviction.
- Local MAGA fan Ralph Yardman reportedly turned off Fox News for a moment today and looked up several of the widely available articles online explaining in depth what Trump was prosecuted for, and now says he realizes Trump is a criminal and will be voting for Biden.
- Eric Trump hasn’t washed his hand yet since his father shook it following the criminal conviction.
- Does Joe Biden get a big surge in support if Hunter Biden gets convicted, or does criminality only help Republicans? lol jk we all know the answer.
- Donald Trump is reportedly angry with his campaign staff for “not trying hard enough” because by this point in the 2016 election his campaign manager and several staffers had already committed several felonies.
- During an interview with Fox News, Donald Trump reportedly had the words “Do not call them concentration camps” written on his palm in Sharpie.
- Steve Bannon has reportedly decided to pledge to the Aryan Brotherhood for his prison protection.
- Donald Trump says he’s going to prosecute Mike Pence for the crime of “being a pussy” if he gets reelected.
- Annoyed Mar-a-Lago members say Donald Trump isn’t even trying to hide his cheating at golf anymore since his criminal conviction.
- A staffer for the Supreme Court says the conservative judges are planning to claim “separation of powers” as their excuse to let Trump do whatever dictatorial stuff he wants.
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