Republicans have long attacked Democratic governors like Minnesota’s Tim Walz for passing legislation to give children free lunches in schools, and the GOP budget reportedly takes it a step further by mandating that all subsidized school meals must get spit in to “teach the hungry kids a lesson about socialism.”
Oklahoma Representative Meredith Jenkins, who wrote the amendment that includes this policy, recently explained her support for it:
“The Democrats are no real advocates for the hungry, poor school children of America,” she said, “and it’s a shame liberals are working so hard to brainwash kids into communism by accepting free food during the school day. We might as well just start sewing hammers and sickles onto their school uniforms, and teach them to sing the Soviet Union’s evil national anthem, The Internationale every morning instead of the Pledge of Allegiance!”
Jenkins was frowning deeply, but then reset her face to a smile.
“The Republican Party is committed to keeping our school children capitalists, and the only way we can help students from poor, urban families develop a work ethic they’ll never be taught at home lazy, handout-dependent — and therefore morally deficient — parents is to humiliate these school children in public as much as possible to make them realize communism will never improve their lives. This is a lesson that Tim Walz’s brand of Leninist, Maoist Stalinism will never teach them. Free school lunches are a slippery slope that leads inevitably to gulags full of enslaved peasants being forced at gunpoint to throw everything metal they own in their little shacks and hovels into makeshift neighborhood steel furnaces!”
Jenkins starting couching, apparently choking on her own saliva.
“So we must nip this American communism in the bud right now. But, believe me, I am not heartless. I realize it’s, of course, not all the poor children’s fault they weren’t born into wealthy families like my kids, or me, or my husband, or our parents, or seven out of our eight grandparents, but it is poor Minnesota children’s fault they are giving into the Satanic temptation of socialist calories by accepting Tim Walz’s pinko, commie meals. It’s a lie and a coastal elitist hoax that well-fed children do better in schools, score higher on national testing, act out less, generally develop healthier and happier, and ultimately save the government billions of dollars in downstream socio-economic costs that can be avoided by helping support tens of thousands of underfed children distracted and disadvantaged daily by their hunger.”
Jenkins smiled to herself.
“Look how long it took me to say all that! These egghead Democrats want us to waste all our time reading a bunch of scientific studies and surveys about the causes and effects of generational poverty, but that’s how the liberals can keep us distracted long enough for them to sneak in a whole bunch of terrorist groups full of Venezuelan gang members who will vote Democratic as long as they can have free range back and forth across the Southern border to abduct us patriotic, godly Americans and force feed our fingers to us one at a time! There is a direct line between Tim Walz’s free school lunches to us being forced at gunpoint to eat our own fingers by Venezuelan death squads!”
Jenkins made the sign of the cross over her chest.
“Plus, how will we pay for these lunches nationally? I will be dead and in the ground before I let the socialist Democrats raises taxes on billionaires even a half of a single percent! Which is why it’s time for Republicans to do something drastic to keep the ember of capitalistic freedom alive in all the school children across America, and stop the Satanic Democrats from instituting their Trotskyite delusion of subsidized lunch in all fifty of our states. There’s only one thing we can do! We must ungrudgingly, and with love in our hearts, spit loogies into free every drink, entrée, and side dish that all the poor handout-accepting school children receive at lunch time!”
Jenkins grabbed her crucifix necklace and kissed it.
“This way we can remind them that someday, if they study hard, they might be rich, too, and be able to rise above the spit-on and become the spitters themselves. I didn’t need to eat and drink copious amounts of saliva to grow up and be rich when I was a kid because my family was already rich, and then I later married into an even richer family, but, if I had been born into a poor family, I am 100% positive that regularly being forced to consume lunch lady phlegm with thick, mucous viscosity tinged with the bitter flavor of cigarette smoke while all the rich kids at my school laughed and jeered at me would have inspired me to work hard in all my classes to make sure I’d never struggle financially. But, again, I didn’t have to because my grandparents left my parents millions, and my parents and my husband’s parents let us both be executives in our respective family companies right out of high school. But the poor school children of America won’t learn how to lift themselves up by their bootstraps like me and my husband did in the summer between graduating high school and accepting a huge salary in our grandpas’ companies.”
Jenkins smiled creepily.
“These students from poor families will thank me when they’re older and lower-middle-class, I promise you that! So sorry Governor Walz, you can keep your free sandwiches in Minnesota. School children in red states would rather stay hungry than submit to socialism! They’d rather starve than sell their souls to Stalin and Mao for a free lunch! God bless childhood hunger!”
Then Jenkins started to rant a bit about renewable energy.
“And don’t listen to the Democrats’ lies about green energy either. Green technology is slavery and a deal with the Devil! Patriotic kids all around the country know it’s better to get black lungs in coal mines and toil in oil fields than give in to the George Soros funded, global warming propaganda that says it’s okay to drive an electric vehicle, or approve of a wind turbine near your town! It was bad enough when the green communists took all the lead out of the gasoline in the 70s! If it was good enough for me and my siblings to sit behind our old Chevy truck and take turns playing old school, Real America childhood games like who-could-inhale-the-fumes-for-the-longest, as well as who-could-sit-in-the-closed-garage-with-the-car-running-and-pass-out-the-fastest, it’s good enough for kids today! That’s the classic Americana Trump will bring back when he says ‘Make America Great Again!’ Back when we had energy freedom!” 🥃
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