- White House insiders say Trump is “extremely paranoid” that JD Vance is somehow behind the Epstein leaks.
- Trump is reportedly demanding to know what JD Vance talked about during his secret meeting with Rupert and Lachlan Murdoch, but Vance keeps telling him it’s a “Democratic hoax.”
- A Kentucky MAGA fan who got fired from his federal job by D.O.G.E., had his wife get deported by ICE, his parents kicked off Medicaid so they had to move in with him, and his house damaged by Hurricane Helene without receiving FEMA aid says, “I didn’t vote for this!”
- MAGA fans are threatening to pull a January 6th on Donald Trump if he pardons himself for his involvement in the Epstein crimes.
- Trump is reportedly begging his doctors to save his necrotizing feet so that people don’t start calling him “Donald Stump.”
- The Halfway would like to apologize to Donald Trump because for months we’ve been speculating that his infamous stench comes from soiled diapers, but it now appears that at least some of the stench likely comes from his rotting, gangrenous feet.
- Doctors say Trump’s swelling cankles will soon make him unable to play golf.
- Trump reportedly caught JD Vance taking measurements in the Oval Office today.
- Trump claims Joe Biden poisoned the water supply at the White House, and that’s why his feet are turning black.
- Trump is reportedly threatening to begin suing anyone who says he has cankles, or posts online about his circulation issues and need of blood thinners with “clots & prayers”
- A top official of Project 2025 says Trump’s Epstein scandal is distracting from the mission to devolve American society into third-world status, and make women second-class citizens.
- Trump is reportedly threatening to sue anyone who calls him by the nickname of “The Predator of Pennsylvania Avenue.”
- Trump’s cankles and necrotizing blackened feet are reportedly forcing him to install and use a stair lift machine in the White House.
- An executive of the Washington Commanders is ignoring Trump’s demand that the team reverts back to the old name of “Redskins,” and says the only name they’d change to is the “Pedophile Prosecutors” or the “Epstein List Revealers.”
- Trump’s new plan for a Nobel Peace Prize is reportedly to attend the Nobel ceremony, wander onstage, and steal one.
- Several countries have reportedly written Trump letters scoffing at his tariff threats addressed to “Captain Cankles.”
- Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is reportedly beginning to worry that Trump is a fascist monster the court’s conservatives have given an alarming amount of executive power.
- Trump’s doctors have reportedly told him his necrotizing feet and debilitatingly swollen cankles necessitate him resigning from the presidency and staying out of politics forever.
- Millions of people online around the world are posting about Trump being Epstein’s sex-trafficking, rapist wingman so that Trump will sue them personally, and they can be a part of the legal discovery process to unveil the Epstein files and force Trump to be deposed.
- Trump reportedly had the a dozen FBI agents flag every time someone in the government joked that he had untreated syphilis for two decades. 🥃
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