Trump Says His Chronic Venous Insufficiency Makes It Impossible For Him To Testify About Epstein

• Trump claims his doctor told him he can’t go to the DOJ and do a deposition on his relationship with Epstein because he needs to be resting his feet at home, and the only physical activity he should be doing is golf for the circulation in his feet.
• Gen Z teens brought to Mar-a-Lago by their MAGA parents reportedly keep playing the Amber Alert sound every time Donald Trump makes an appearance.
• Trump reportedly screamed at his lawyers this morning, “Why did no one tell me my lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal will require me to testify under oath about my relationship with Epstein?!”
• Trump has essentially challenged Rupert Murdoch to a financial duel, and Trump is pissed that Murdoch has accepted.
• Trump is reportedly very relieved the Wall Street Journal hasn’t also published his birthday card for Epstein’s 48th birthday party or 43rd birthday party.
• A MAGA fan wearing a “FJB” hat and a “fuck your feelings” t-shirt says Stephen Colbert was way out of line telling Trump to fuck himself.
• Trump is reportedly forcing JD Vance to take a lie detector test tomorrow to see if Vance is leaking Epstein details or scheming against him in some other way.
• Barack Obama is reportedly offering to testify under oath about whatever scandal Trump is inventing about him in exchange for Trump testifying under oath about Epstein.
• Trump is reportedly threatening to not change his diapers or wash his necrotizing cankles if he has to be deposed in his lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal.
• Political betting markets are now offering wagers on whether Trump dies from a stroke, a heart attack, Melania suffocates him with a pillow, or JD Vance poisons him.
• Mike Johnson is reportedly confident that, if he prays hard enough in this August recess, God will come to him and tell him whether he should hold Trump accountable for Epstein, or he should close his eyes, plug his ears, and ask the media, “What Epstein files?”
• Dozens of protesters in Scotland are following Trump everywhere he goes on his visit while playing bagpipes.
• Trump is reportedly furious because several countries have written replies to the letters he wrote them threatening tariffs, and the nations addressed their replies variously to “Mr. Molester-in-Chief,” “Captain Cankles,” and “Hey, Dumb Bitch.”
• The two major feminist mafias, the Cliterati and the Uterui have reportedly just merged to better focus on resisting Trumpism.
• Trump is reportedly pissed after realizing his lawsuit against the WSJ will force him to be deposed under oath to discuss his relationship with Epstein in order to litigate the libel claims, which will force him to have to plead the 5th Amendment a thousand times.
• Trump claims his doctors told him that his swollen cankles will unfortunately make it medically impossible for him to go to the DOJ and participate in a deposition under oath about his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.
• Trump is reportedly getting suspicious that every time JD Vance goes on vacation the Epstein crisis gets way worse.
• While JD Vance was on vacation, pranksters reportedly left a dozen used couches on the lawn of his D.C. house.
• Since deciding to help Trump cover-up the Epstein files, Mike Johnson reportedly feels a burning sensation of guilt every time he opens up his Bible.
• Several local groups of Proud Boys and Oath Keepers say they’re willing to join forces with ANTIFA, George Soros, and even the scientists who turned all the frogs gay in order to pull a January 6th on Congress again if Mike Johnson doesn’t hold a vote on releasing all the Epstein files.
• A caddie who works at Mar-a-Lago says Trump has for decades worn special shirts and pants that have secret, hidden pockets to hide several balls to cheat with every time he golfs. 🥃

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