1. Congress just went on recess for all of August with Mike Johnson kicking the Epstein can down the road.
What a coward. It’s funny because this fascist tool literally believes that when he dies he’ll have to kneel before God, who will cast upon him final judgement of his character. God might be a little interested to know why Johnson is being such a weasel turning his head, covering his eyes, plugging his ears, and mumbling Bible verses to himself to ignore the fact that Trump spent decades helping Epstein traffic and rape girls!
It’s so obvious the GOP is aiding and abetting a cover-up of a mammoth sex-trafficking ring, and Johnson is parking his wagon in the circle around the rapist president. Can the owner of the weird porn-monitoring app Johnson uses with his son start sending him daily push notifications to stop being such a pussy?
2. Merrick Garland utterly failed to meet the moment.
He didn’t prosecute all the J6ers, he didn’t fully investigate or prosecute Trump’s obvious criminal conspiracy behind the insurrection or any of his other blatant crimes, and now it’s pretty sad for American democracy and the Constitution that Trump’s Epstein scandals are unraveling insanely fast before our eyes when Garland presumably had the Epstein files within his access for four years.
Garland did everything so by-the-book that it allowed Trump to get back into office and do the political equivalent of shitting in the book, setting it on fire, and jerking off his tiny mushroom on its ashes. And now the evidence is so damning that the Trump DOJ is fumbling the Epstein files and outing their existence while doing everything possible to hide them. WTF is Garland’s excuse for such impotence of justice?!
3. Being a billionaire must give you brain rot.
Lynsi Snyder, the billionaire owner of In & Out and nepo-baby granddaughter of the fast food company’s founder, is whining about California’s taxes, so she’s moving to a state with lower income tax. Classic billionaire move: screwing over the majestic state that gave her family the opportunity to become massively rich and successful.
Bloomberg says she’s worth $7.3 billion. How does money even matter at all to her anymore? Her grandparents built a Californian institution, and now she’s ditching the state so she can get to $8 billion a little faster? It’s not like any Californian In & Out locations are going out of business because of the taxes. Only a single In & Out restaurant has closed in the company’s entire history, but not because of business — an Oakland location closed because of safety concerns over local crime. She does not live in Oakland.
Billionaire nepo-babies’ money obsession and greed must just literally rot their brains.
4. It’s funny that Christian conservatives are cheering Stephen Colbert’s upcoming cancellation when he’s maybe the most overt Christian in comedy
Don’t they always complain that Christianity doesn’t play a bigger role in culture? Amidst a whole bunch of atheists, agnostics, and secular Jews in comedy, Stephen Colbert is extremely vocal about his faith. It’s kind of indicative that Christian conservatives care more about politics than religion.
5. Think Ghislaine Maxwell is responsible for leaking Trump’s Epstein birthday letter?
A threat of bigger future blackmail for a pardon? Maybe there will be some legal deal with the Trump DOJ to lessen her sentence in order to help bury the Epstein evidence? All I know is that the Trump Administration is going to keep saying everything about the Epstein files is a hoax, even though paradoxically it’s why Maxwell is currently imprisoned.
6. You don’t have to fill in the dots if the picture is fully formed in front of you:
Trump and Epstein were literally neighbors. Epsten said they were best friends. Epstein was a member at Mar-a-Lago. Epstein was at Trump’s wedding. There are lots of videos and photos of Epstein and Trump partying together and sitting together on Epstein’s plane. Trump said Epstein likes women young. There are girls who have gone to the police and accused Epstein and Trump of assaulting them until death threats made them go quiet. Another criminal prosecution resulted in a sweetheart deal for Epstein agreed to by an attorney Trump later appointed to his cabinet as Labor Secretary. Trump has assaulted other people too. He bragged about using his celebrity to regularly grope and molest women. He lost plural lawsuits over some of his rapes. Trump ran a beauty pageant and bragged about sneaking in their changing rooms while the girls were naked. Trump has said lewd, creepy things about his daughters, and alluded to wanting to date Ivanka.
And now everyone in Trump’s orbit can’t help themselves but send mixed, conflicting, and paradoxical messages about it because it’s impossible for them to lie their way out of the hole Trump and the MAGA movement have dug for themselves. Trump is obviously guilty.
7. If you’re not a billionaire, the Republican Party either hates you if you don’t vote for them, or thinks you’re a useful idiot for votes if you do vote for them.
It’s rich how billionaires constantly tell us to tighten our belts, be more frugal, skip the Starbucks coffees and avocado toast, and figure out how to appreciate the moral lessons of poverty when those billionaires are literally destroying American democracy and ushering in Trumpian fascism because Kamala Harris was going to raise unrealized capital gains taxes on people making over $100 million a year. They screamed communism when Obama raised the top income tax by 4.6% to pay for Obamacare. They swear that trickle down will help poor people even though it never has.
You know… why don’t the billionaires learn to be more frugal? Why can’t they appreciate the moral lessons that come from not being able to write off their private jets, or only getting yachts that one helicopter pad instead of two?
It’s estimated that wealth inequality in the US is comparable now to the French Revolution. And think about how many families were able to get by through the Great Depression on single incomes with just men having jobs. I am not calling for guillotining the mega wealthy. I’m only pointing out that such economic disparity as we have now inspired previous generations of humanity to guillotine their mega wealthy. 🤷♀️
8. South Park is going feral against Trump.
I am so here for it. Creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone are fabulously rich with “fuck you” money, and I love that they’re actually saying “fuck you,” unlike the other rich people described above.
9. There’s an ongoing renaissance of female rock & roll.
Have you noticed there aren’t that many new, exciting male rock bands anymore? I feel like male-centric rock & roll has kind of covered every angle it can of the genre, and now is largely cliché, mediocre, and overcooked.
However, female rockers are firing on all cylinders, and bringing novel perspectives, attitudes, and aesthetics to the genre. For a long time guitar music has been a space in which women have to be twice as good and interesting to get half as far, but now my favorite Sirius XM stations (XMU and AltNation) seem to play way more new female artists than male.
If you’re looking for new musicians to check out, here are my suggestions of all-female or female-fronted groups that I listen to quite a bit:
Haim, Tennis, Clairo, Beach House, Cannons, Alvvays, Tove Lo, Kacey Musgraves, Janelle Monáe, The Marías, King Princess, The Beaches, SZA, Japanese Breakfast, Wet Leg, Dum Dum Girls, girlpuppy, beabadoobee, Men I Trust, girl in red, Sofi Tukker, Laufey, Christine and the Queens, Em Beihold, Danielle Ponder, Caroline Rose, Remi Wolf, Giolì & Assia, Nora En Pure, Reneé Rapp, and Kylie Minogue.
☕️ My Dadaist graffiti news comedy fights fascism. Become a paid subscriber and help me relentlessly mock Donald Trump and his administration’s fascist tendencies. Here’s a 50% discount on a paid subscription to help support me, for just $2.50 a month!
And help me grow by sharing my comedy with your liberal friends and family, and your conservative enemies!
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years, available on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Kobo. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my humor, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my graffiti news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated and amped to think up jokes about MAGA world!
The Halfway Post 