John Bolton Told Congress That Trump Spends All Day Sniffing His Sharpies

Washinton D.C.—

According to several Congressional aides, who requested anonymity to discuss secret, closed-door testimony provided today by former National Security Adviser John Bolton, President Donald Trump doesn’t just love writing with sharpie permanent makers, he also loves sniffing them.

“Bolton told the Senate Intelligence Committee that the President goes through a 12-pack of sharpies a day,” explained one Congressional staffer, “and Trump spends about 45-minutes smelling each one before he says that ‘the flavor is gone,’ and then takes the cap off a new one. Bolton told the committee that this is why Trump is always slurring words in his speeches. The chemicals in sharpies can produce a short-lasting effect similar to getting stoned, but can also cause long-term brain damage. Bolton said that Trump’s infamous ‘covfefe’ tweet was published during a particularly intense sharpie bender. Trump began his presidency only huffing two markers a day, but the stresses of the job have made him more and more dependent on the short highs. His binging tolerance has skyrocketed.”

A White House aide also requesting anonymity corroborated the details of the President’s sharpie sniffing addiction.

“Don Jr. and Eric are committed sharpie sniffers as well. They think if it’s good enough for their dad, it’s good enough for them. Trump is always trying to get everyone around him to start sniffing, but thankfully most people don’t. The ones who do are Lindsey Graham, Matt Gaetz, and Jim Jordan. They started a club where they call themselves ‘The Sharpie Bunch.’ Jim Jordan is a sharpie licker as well as a sniffer. The reason he doesn’t wear suit jackets is because one day during a Sharpie Bunch meeting he was chewing on his sharpie and he bit down too hard. It exploded black ink all over his mouth and leaked on to his jacket, which he removed and then liked the way he looked without it. Trump said he makes all of his best deals under the sharpie influence, which maybe actually explains a lot about the one-sided deals he makes with foreign dictators.”

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