Washington D.C.—
According to reporting independently verified by CNN, The New York Times and The Halfway Post, President Donald Trump’s personal lawyer and top henchman Rudy Giuliani has personally eaten several incriminating documents subpoenaed by the Senate for the impeachment trial of the President.
“Rudy ate several handwritten notes President Trump wrote directing various aides and associates on how to obstruct justice, threaten potential Republican defectors, and intimidate other would-be whistle-blowers in the Administration,” confirmed one White House aide who requested anonymity to discuss ongoing Congressional investigations into Giuliani’s work on behalf of Trump. “He commits the notes to memory and then chews them up into a pulp and swallows them. It’s actually become a bit of a habit. Giuliani has started consuming notes and printed memos that aren’t even that incriminating. Yesterday I saw him eat a notebook page that Trump was doodling on during a cabinet meeting. Trump had just drawn several different sketches of women’s breasts, but Rudy still ate it. I’m not sure what all that computer ink and sharpie residue is doing to Rudy’s digestive system, but I can’t imagine it’s healthy. He claims the paper tastes better than metamucil, and that the notes and memos give him his daily dose of fiber.”
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