Pope Francis: “I Would Rather Americans Watch Hardcore Gay Trash Videos Than Fox News”

(Picture courtesy of Republic of Korea. Photographer: Jeon Han, an official Republic of Korea photograph.)

Vatican City—

In brief phone call conversation with Pope Francis, The Halfway Post learned the Pope’s opinion on American current events.

The following is a transcript of the call, briefly edited for clarity:

THP: “Have you been paying attention to the impeachment news?”

POPE: “Of course, I have to. Everyone around the world has to pay attention to American politics. And let me tell you, the Big Man is not happy. I don’t believe God could have created a human being less in the image of Jesus Christ than Donald Dump. If you count up all the fraud, the lawsuits, the rapes, the abuses of power, and the lies, you get a real terrible human being. The Election of 2016 was a test of moral clarity and purity, and American conservatives failed miserably.”

THP: “We may have written several satires with that theme over the last three years.”

POPE: “Oh, yes, I’m a big fan. I like to share your stories with the other priests around here. Many of them think The Halfway Post is blasphemous, but I believe God in His infinite wisdom and love is able to take a joke. If anyone was to deserve satirical joshing, it would be the omnipotent Monodeity, no?”

THP: “Well, thank you for reading.”

POPE: “Of course. A big problem in America is the media consumption of conservatives. You cannot watch Fox News and be adequately informed. In fact, Fox News viewers and right wing radio listeners are actually less informed and more misinformed than people who don’t pay attention at all. And Fox News in particular has such a toxic effect on American discourse. From climate change, to evolution, to civil rights and economic inequality, the reality is that Fox News executives, anchors and journalists largely have their heads deep into their anuses. And very behind the times. Fox News is actually out-Catholic-ing the Catholic Church! Imagine that! Popes do not deny evolution, and are open to evolutionary creationism! And I’ve made it my mission to help end some of the discrimination against gays in the Church. Meanwhile, American conservatives have completely unChristian views on welfare, healthcare, and social equality. The fact is that gay, atheist liberals are much more Christian acting and thinking than American conservatives who consider themselves culturally Christian without the inconvenience of actually applying Jesus’s message to their political ideology. And Fox News is the epicenter of that faux-Christian political identity. Fox has invented a cultural persecution-complex that somehow effectively convinces conservative Christians they are following Jesus by not turning the other cheek militarily or with private guns, or not taking in helpless refugees, or not expanding healthcare access, or not opening their minds to real social equality no matter a person’s gender or sexual identity, race, or religious beliefs. I don’t believe it’s too risqué to say that American conservatives would learn more about Christian morals while watching hardcore gay videos than while watching Fox News. Gay videos don’t teach you to hate and fear Muslims, other-ize your political opponents, take a cruel ends-justify-the-means approach to politics, or stand proudly and ignorantly in the way of scientific and civic progress. I’d much rather conservatives watch dirty films than Fox!”

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