Homophobic Evangelical Pastor Apologizes For “Accidentally” Doing A Sodomy

Little Rock, AR—

A video Facebook post from infamously homophobic pastor Rick Palermo of the Assembly of Leviticus has gone viral because in it he apologizes for “accidentally doing a sodomy.”

“Folks, you know me, I’m probably the biggest fan and disciple of the book of Leviticus in the country, let alone our humble state of Arkansas,” said Palermo. “I love Leviticus so much I even named our beloved church after it. And I read from Leviticus every day. And my favorite passage is the one about gay people going to Hell because I’m so not gay that I’m probably the least gay person on the planet. I’m going straight to straight Heaven when I die! Which brings me to the subject of this address. Last weekend, an incident occurred that in no way accurately reflects the very true fact that I am not gay one bit. However, unfortunately, this incident was caught on tape, and is being held over my head as blackmail, so I thought the best thing for me to do was to just be honest and admit my totally innocent mistake. I’m not going to give in to the blackmail, so the video of my incident will probably soon be released to the public. So let me prepare all you, my faithful flock of Leviticus lovers, because the video will probably look a little bad. It’s not edited, and is one long, uncut take, but the video is being presented completely out of context. At face value, this video will appear to be a gay porn video of me being gay in a gay club’s gay bathroom, but what you don’t see behind the scenes before the video starts is that I only went into the club not realizing it was a gay club. I thought it was a nightclub for Christian straights to get together and hold hands while praying. Nothing further sexually. So the sodomy I accidentally did was only because I had to go to the bathroom, and I went in there innocently with only Jesus Christ on my mind. But there must have been some gay sperm on the floor or something because I slipped and fell. And that’s where the video starts. It was terrible timing for me because, as I was falling, I grabbed the toilet lid to catch myself, and there just so happened to be a neat line of cocaine arranged there with a tightly rolled dollar bill that somehow got wedged in between my fingers, and then while falling I accidentally snorted the cocaine. And if you watch closely in the video, you will be able to plainly see me worrying about the cocaine I might have gotten on my clothes, because I then take all my clothes off and get naked. I didn’t get naked because I was in the bathroom of the gay club. Believe me. Gay sex was the furthest thing from my mind. I only got naked because I couldn’t believe these homosexuals were irresponsible enough to leave a whole line of coke on the toilet seat where anyone could slip on the ground and accidentally snort it and get it on their clothes like happened to me. But my point is that it could have happened to anyone. Any one of you. Then, if I remember that night accurately, the video will show me giving a thumbs-up gesture to the camera, but that was just a completely innocent thumbs-up intended for Jesus to let Christ know that everything was okay, and I was still straight. I was in the belly of the beast, and the gays hadn’t gotten to me. Unfortunately, there must have been more gay sperm on the floor, because, right after thanking Jesus for protecting me from the gays, I accidentally slipped again, this time directly onto another naked gay man’s erect penis. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do, and I immediately started praying. The video shows that. You all know how serious I am during services when I’m praying, right? Nothing distracts me from my intense passion and faithfulness to Jesus Christ. That’s why in this illicit video you will see me close my eyes and then continue being spelunked in my colon by this man for another fifteen minutes. It’s not because I’m enjoying it. It’s only because 100% of my attention is being directed to Jesus and God, and I barely notice at all that the sodomy is happening. When you hear me scream in the video things like ‘Yes!’ and ‘Harder!’ and ‘Deeper’ repeatedly, I’m only calling out to Jesus to save mankind harder and deeper. But thankfully I said a prayer and banished Satan immediately after the video ends so that God totally forgave me of this whole mess that never would have happened in the first place if gay marriage hadn’t been legalized. Of course, the libtards are going to call me a ‘homophobic hypocrite’ for all of this, but actually I’ve been totally vindicated because I’ve spent my entire political career saying this is the exact sort of thing that would happen if gays were allowed to have the same rights as straights. I’ve been saying it for decades that America’s morals are going down the drain, and I’m just the latest Gay Agenda victim of their godless, socialist war against Christianity. So yeah, I just wanted to touch base with all my supporters before this video gets out. Just remember that it was all a misunderstanding, and I’m totally not gay. If I were gay, why would I love Leviticus so much that I started a church named after it? Why would 95% of my sermons be about gays being gross and sinful and evil? A guy with a clear-conscience would never do that. Only totally straight and pure, Godly men are as zealously and publicly against homosexuality as I am! So thanks for listening, everyone! And don’t watch that tape when it comes out!”

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Twitter here, Facebook here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.

More from The Halfway Post vault:

2 thoughts

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s