Washington D.C.—
In a rare moment of self-introspection, President Donald Trump admitted his actions and quotes regarding COVID19 kind of karmically called for him to get infected with the novel coronavirus.
“Yeah, I have maybe been a little wrong saying COVID wouldn’t be a problem in America,” explained Trump during a press conference today. “I said our cases would soon be zero, and they weren’t. Then I said it would be gone by April, and it wasn’t. Then I said it would magically disappear in the summer, and it didn’t. Oops. And I said not to get tests, and people probably should have. And I said it was freedom for Americans to choose not to wear masks, and maybe the people around you not dying of an extremely infectious disease is a better freedom to preserve. And then I said our number of cases would be lower if we tested less, and I guess that doesn’t make much logical sense if you think about it critically. My bad. Then I said it was Obama’s fault, but I guess he couldn’t have stockpiled tests for a virus that didn’t exist yet. And I said it was all China’s fault, but I guess it looks bad now that America’s infection rates and deaths have gotten way worse than China ever saw. Darn it. And I said pouring Drano up your butthole would clear COVID out of your lungs, but apparently Drano is not for going inside your body, and your butthole doesn’t at any point connect to your lungs. And I said UV rays up your butthole would kill COVID, but apparently concentrated UV rays also kill your body’s cells. Yikes. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have finally learned something from Dr. Fauci, and I will no longer make any recommendations concerning things Americans should put up their buttholes. Maybe I’ll just let the experts talk about the pandemic. I guess if I got COVID myself, I’d maybe deserve it. I definitely downplayed it for months, and said a bunch of untrue things that confused people and stopped many Americans from taking the virus as seriously as they should have. I guess if anyone deserved to get COVID now, it would be me. I’ve basically been taunting it all this year. I guess I’ve really been asking for it. I’m afraid I may have jinxed our medical health and stability. Sorry, everyone. Maybe I was wrong about some things. Okay? See? I admitted it. So please stop blaming me for COVID, and for not preparing or launching any form of national leadership on this issue. Why are governors getting credit and poll bumps, but I’m not? I’m the one who let the governors have so much leeway because I didn’t want to do anything that would allow people to blame me. And they’re blaming me anyway! It really hurts my feelings that Joe Biden is doing better in the polls. Why on Earth don’t Americans trust me to stop the pandemic’s spread? It’s unfair. It’s incumbent harassment, and it needs to stop. America better start supporting me, or I will turn way more fascist. It’s up to you. I don’t want to expand my border concentration camps into prisons for all my political opponents and media critics, but if I lose the election that’s exactly what I’m going to do in November and December. And it won’t be my fault. It will be America’s fault for not loving me more.”
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