John Bolton Claims Trump’s Daily Hair & Makeup Routine Takes 2 Hours

Washington D.C.—

John Bolton’s upcoming tell-all book just launched its pre-sales marketing campaign, which means he and his publishing company are spilling secrets about President Donald Trump to generate interest.

It was just announced that Bolton’s manuscript vividly describes Mr. Trump intentionally withholding Ukrainian defense spending until President Zelensky announced publicly that Ukraine was looking into the Biden family’s business connections.

The latest intrigue revealed by Bolton’s new book, however, is a claim that President Trump’s hair and makeup routine take two hours every day.

The following is an excerpt from Bolton’s manuscript leaked exclusively to The Halfway Post:

“The President does not do any official work until his hair and makeup are finished. The makeup process takes 25 minutes, and his hair takes another hour and a half to sculpt into a mop that obscures the reality that Trump is almost entirely bald. When Trump’s entourage was in England on an official visit with the Queen, Her Majesty was kept waiting an hour because Trump’s staff had forgotten his favorite hairspray, and the President did not trust any British brands. He could be heard screaming at his aides from several rooms down that they were embarrassing him. He yelled that it was a matter of extreme national security that he never go without his favorite hairspray variety. The Queen remarked that Trump was a ‘bigger priss’ than her. Trump eventually settled for some styling gel, and the Queen laughed at his hairdo when she saw it, which convinced Trump to start being against NATO. He said America would never come to the defense of a country with a Queen who was ‘such a total c***.’ He then speculated that the Queen must have been ‘on the rag,’ and been ‘bleeding from her wherever.’ He perked up a little bit later at the royal dinner reception, though, when the Queen made sure he got more scoops of ice cream than anyone else, and she directed the royal staff to serve his dessert in a big goblet much larger and flashier than anyone else’s. He clapped his hands together and giggled like a little boy when he saw that he got the best goblet.”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

21 thoughts

  1. Bolton need vacation. With his need to vilify Trump’s every mood.
    Wouldn’t suprise me that he would hold Trumps dick when he hits the bathroom.

      1. I don’t believe it’s totally satire. I’ve read other accounts of his hair, so don’t think
        that this is far from the truth.

      2. Ivanka has been heard mocking her father’s morning routine w/his hair, talking about the huge bald spot and the elaborate attempts to cover it. This is satire but with a large dose of the truth in it.

    1. And it wouldn’t surprise me if you got on your knees in front of Trump and….well you know where I’m going you dumb ass Trump lover.

  2. the fun part of satire is that it uses the truth to make the next logical step or observation…. We all know tRump’s hair is hideous, that he is nearly bald, so from there it is easy to imagine taking 2 hours to perfect it, and the bit about insisting on his brand of hair spray, and being upset or offended by the Queen Mum, and then being placated by the Yuge bowl of ice cream…. satire yes, but arises from truth. 🙂

  3. But trump followers would claim to love his outfit when he wasnt wearing any clothes.

    Exactly like the hans christian anderson story “the emperors new clothes” he is surrounded by ass kissers and yes men he has made sure to fire anybody who wouldnt kiss his narcissistic ass!

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