According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump is very nervous about losing presidential power and the legal protections that protect him from being indictable.
“The President is very upset he lost reelection,” said a White House staffer, who requested anonymity to discuss internal Trump Administration deliberations, “and nothing we tell him seems to cheer him up. A lot of us staffers and advisers have been trying to explain to him how losing is so much better for him personally because he obviously doesn’t like the day-to-day work of being President. He hates most of the ceremonial aspects, whether it’s going to war memorial events he calls ‘loser carnivals,’ or hosting holiday events at the White House where he has to beg Melania for days to let him hold her hand just long enough for the photographer to get a picture. And it’s better for his brand because he loves attention from his loyal fans, so now he can go start a media company or land a prime-time show on Fox News and get all the attention he desperately craves without the endless criticism from pundits and average citizens for making our societal problems and national security threats worse while refusing to take responsibility for any of them. But he surprisingly doesn’t like to hear about those potentially lucrative post-presidency options, and I have a feeling he’s worried about being prosecuted by the State of New York when he’s out of office. Everyone knows he’s going to try and pardon himself for his various federal crimes, but even Trump is doubtful any judge would let him subvert the entire principle of the legal system in which no one is above the law. Quite honestly, from all my conversations with him since the election was called for Biden, it just seems like he doesn’t imagine much of a future for himself beyond January 20th.”
Mr. Trump is apparently looking into some hail-mary type plans.
“This morning when he came down to the Oval Office he hadn’t done his hair,” continued the staffer, “so he didn’t have his trademark combover look. His hair just hung from the side of his head down past his shoulders so that there was a very noticeable line of makeup on his bald scalp. He’s pretty much slowly giving up every pretense of self-respect. He’s so depressed he didn’t even watch a recording of last night’s Sean Hannity episode, which usually can cheer him right up by the time it takes Hannity to compliment him three times. Instead, he asked us quite oddly to get a YouTube video of Saddam Hussein’s hole hideout from when he was found back in 2003. Then he asked for a notebook and pen. I’m not kidding when I say President Donald Trump has literally never taken notes once in his entire presidency. When advisers ask him if he wants a notebook he just points to his brains and says ‘Uncle went to MIT.’ Then he watched the Saddam video several times, and I looked over his shoulder to see what he was writing. The notes I could read were ‘BIGGER hole,’ ‘Eric’s winery has that big field,’ ‘bring Ivanka?’ and ‘need power for TV.'”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!