Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump today took to Twitter to articulate novel legal ideas:
“I’m the most innocent President in history! There’s no reason for the next administration (if it’s not my second one due to Democratic cheating!) to look into any wrongdoing on my part! I’ve had enough presidential harassment as it is!”
“I’m also the most transparent president we’ve ever had, which is why I’m directing my administration to shred millions of memos and documents. I’m so innocent and transparent there’s just no reason to save them! Especially everything Jared wrote! Look at him! He’s too scrawny and baby-faced to do anything corrupt!”
“It’s also because I care so much about the environment! I don’t want all my documents to sit in a landfill for millions of years and kill all the worms, so instead we’re burning them all. This way, Biden (or 2nd term me!) doesn’t have to waste valuable time going through them all!”
“I’m also going to pardon myself to prove how innocent I am! The Nasty Democrats will say I can’t do that, but that’s only because they hate the Constitution! It’s not illegal, it’s just me fighting back! So I’m going to pardon myself for everything I’ve done, even though it was all 100% squeaky clean!”
“So Biden’s Department of Justice better not investigate me! No matter what crime they’ll make up against me, I’ll have already pardoned myself! I’m signing a pardon for every crime on the books! For the next 2 months I’ll be signing nothing but pardons for me and all staffers who don’t mention Biden’s name or imply in any way I lost!”
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