Joel Osteen: “If Jesus Wanted Me To Share My Wealth, He Wouldn’t Have Let Me Accumulate $40 Million!”

Houston, TX—

Televangelist Joel Osteen is facing criticism for not doing more to help the sick and needy through this quarantine crisis, and he participated in an interview conducted by a local Houston television news program to defend himself against charges that his net worth was inherently unChristian.

Many critics have taken offense that Osteen was still asking for donations through his website despite the closure of his mega church due to the need for social distancing.

“Look, I view my Lakewood Church as my flock, and I look after my flock like a shepherd would his sheep,” explained Osteen. “But the flock of sheep also provides the shepherd with very valuable wool that he then sells to support himself and make money. So when I ask for money donations, I am merely asking my sheep for their wool. What’s wrong with that? And besides, my church knows I’m sincere. They come to me for advice on how to be rich like me, and I help them plant their seeds for success by taking their seeds, which are donations to my church, and then burying those seeds into my bank account. But they are happy to give! They know I’m 100% sincere and that I care about them. They may be my sheep, but they’re looking after me, too. They don’t want me to get coronavirus, and neither do I. Which is why, in this trying time, it is especially imperative that I continue to get cash donations. If this pandemic continues to get worse, I’m going to need to get into my private jet and not come back down to land for many weeks or months. You know how expensive jet fuel is? And refueling in mid-air?”

The interviewer then interrupted Osteen to ask if he remembered Jesus’s line about camels and eyes of needles.

“Are you sure that’s in the Bible? I’m not familiar with that. Oh, you know what, maybe it’s a translation thing. You see, I’ve actually done my own translation and editing of the Bible. It’s kind of like Thomas Jefferson’s Bible, in which he edited out all of the supernatural and unbelievably mythological bits he didn’t care for. In my Bible, I edited out all the stuff about money changers, the rules to not charge interest, and all the bits against hoarding. Because, you know, if Jesus had hoarded a little more wealth, he probably would have had way more than just 12 Disciples. Look at me, my net worth is $40 million and I have millions of viewers of my sermons in person and online! So clearly Jesus was a little mistaken about the value of money. Besides, why do people criticize me? Why don’t they look at Kenneth Copeland? He’s way richer than me! Or Jesse Duplantis? Or Benny Hinn? Or Creflo Dollar? Or Joyce Meyer? Or Pat Robertson? All these people are rich like me, and I’m not going to give up my private jets until they give up theirs! Out of all these people, my mansion is nowhere near the biggest! Besides, if Jesus hadn’t wanted all of us to live filthy rich, extravagant lifestyles, he wouldn’t have made our followers so dumb and easy to convince to give us their money. We’re literally telling them that by giving us their money, they will get more money in the future, and it never happens! And they still continue to give us money! It’s amazing. Certainly God is okay with this or He wouldn’t allow us to continue doing it! Cause let’s be honest, a lot of us televangelists have committed a lot of fraud. Like, a lot. The government gives us a pass on a lot of record-keeping, and doesn’t charge us taxes like everyone else. It’s a very cushy line of work. But our followers still give us money for third private jets even when we already have two! Because we convince them Jesus will magically make them richer. Isn’t it hilarious? Even though they’d be richer not giving us 10% of their money! It’s like they don’t understand the basic concept of subtraction! But where in the Bible does it specifically say not to take advantage of dumb people and make their lives worse by tricking them out of their paychecks?”

The interviewer then asked if Osteen would donate anything to help his followers who are struggling from losing their jobs due to the economic shutdown.

“I’m not going to start being poor just because everyone in my church is getting poorer! Fuck ’em. They should have made better money decisions, like not buying all my books. All I did was rearrange the words and sentences! So it’s not my fault they buy every one of them. No refunds!”

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(Picture courtesy of Joel Osteen’s website.)

13 thoughts

    1. So many morons here, lol…
      Believing something that’s literally labeled as satire is just about the most brazen expression of stupidity that I can think of…

      But I guess if you actually believe that a con-artist like Olsteen, then you’re probably the stupid kind anyway.

  1. God is watching you! He will be the judge! You may not be able to spend your money in the place God decideds for you to go.

  2. Just in case is you talking Joel, because is the story of heaven and hell is true, Lazarus and the rich, then is either up or down for YOU. Down is more likely.

  3. Whoever wrote this about Joel Osteen obviously doesn’t understand about sowing and reaping. When a farmer plants a seed in the ground, he’s not losing a seed, he’s gaining a harvest.

  4. No way!! I don’t believe he said this. No way! If he did? Wow God gonna deal with him severely. No way! He not say that. I not even listen to him much..I still listen to Billy Graham or John MacArthur..Sometimes Joel…Whoever wrote this better be careful. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord..Actually I think Joel is helping the needy..Yeah he is..Joel knows..He knows what to do..

  5. You’re a joke and a fraud! Pretending to write Joel’s response with nothing but lies, distortions, ridicule and such character assassination. You’ll have a very high price to pay unless you repent and write a retraction! You see, you will be held responsible for any and all those whom you lead astray. Wow, think about that before you take any further missteps.

    God will forgive you if you ask!

    Rick – Strong defended of Joel

  6. Your post is so bad it is sad that some people actually believe that about Joel.
    The sad thing about the internet is that anyone can post anything, true or false!
    The damage you’re doing is going to be assigned to you! Good Luck! You’ll need it!

    Joel Osteen is as real as can be! Just because of his success, you think you can assassinate his character!

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