Joel Osteen: “If Jesus Wanted Me To Share My Wealth, He Wouldn’t Have Let Me Accumulate $40 Million!”

(Picture courtesy of Joel Osteen’s website.)

Houston, TX—

Televangelist Joel Osteen is facing criticism for not doing more to help the sick and needy through this quarantine crisis. Many critics have taken offense that Osteen was still asking for money donations through his website despite the closure of his megachurch due to the need for social distancing and despite his already massive net worth.

Osteen participated in an interview conducted by a local Houston television news program to defend himself against charges that his net worth was inherently unChristian.

“Look, I view my Lakewood Church as my flock, and I look after my flock like a shepherd would his sheep,” explained Osteen. “But the flock of sheep also provides the shepherd with very valuable wool that he then sells to support himself and pay the mortgage of a mansion. So when I ask for money donations, I am merely asking my sheep for their wool. And maybe their kids’ college funds. What’s wrong with that? And besides, my church knows I’m sincere. They come to me for advice on how to be rich like me, and I help them plant their seeds for success by taking their seeds, which are donations to my church or purchases of my books, and then burying those seeds into my bank account to blossom. But they are happy to give! They know I’m 100% authentic, and that I care about them. And though they may be my sheep, they’re looking after me, too. They don’t want me to get coronavirus, and neither do I. Which is why, in this trying time, it is especially imperative that I continue to get cash money donations.”

Osteen rubbed his fingers together pantomiming the act of rubbing coins.

“If this pandemic continues to get worse, I’m going to need to take off in my private jet and not come back down to land for many weeks or months until the pandemic is over. Do you have any idea how expensive jet fuel is? And refueling in mid-air? And if all my followers die from the coronavirus, I’m going to need to spend a lot of money on advertising to find tens of thousands of new dupes to buy my books. As the Internet accumulates lots of exposé videos of me living a hypocritical life of superfluous luxury and saying things that suggest I don’t understand basic tenets of my own religion, it’s getting harder and harder to find new people willing to give me money.”

The interviewer then interrupted Osteen to ask if he remembered Jesus’s line about camels and eyes of needles.

“Are you sure that’s in the Bible? I’m not familiar with that. Oh, you know what, maybe it’s a translation thing. You see, I’ve actually done my own translation and editing of the Bible. It’s kind of like Jefferson’s Bible, in which he edited out all the supernatural and unbelievable mythological bits he didn’t care for. In my Bible, I edited out all the stuff about money changers, the bits against hoarding, and all the animal-based metaphors concerning wealth and greed. Because, you know, if Jesus had been a little greedier and flashier with some conspicuous consumption, he probably would have had way more than just 12 Disciples. Look at me, my net worth is $40 million, and I have hundreds of thousands of viewers of my sermons in person and online! So clearly Jesus was a little mistaken about the value of money. Besides, why do people criticize me? Why don’t they look at Kenneth Copeland? He’s way richer than me! Or Jesse Duplantis? Or Benny Hinn? Or Creflo Dollar? Or Joyce Meyer? Or Pat Robertson? All these people are rich like me, and I’m not going to give up my private jets until they give up theirs! Out of all these people, my mansion is nowhere near the biggest! They have a lot more money than I have! And if Jesus hadn’t wanted all of us to live extravagant lifestyles, he wouldn’t have made our followers so gullible and easy to convince to give us their money!”

Osteen threw his hands up in the air and shrugged.

“We’re literally telling them that by giving us their money, they will get more money in the future, and it never happens! And they still continue to give us money! It’s amazing. Certainly God is okay with this or He wouldn’t allow us to continue doing it. Because, let’s be honest, a lot of us televangelists have committed a lot of fraud. Like, a lot. The government gives us a pass on a lot of record-keeping, and doesn’t charge us taxes like everyone else. It’s a very cushy line of work. But our followers still give us money for third private jets even when we already have two! Because we convince them Jesus will magically make them richer. Isn’t it hilarious? Even though they’d be richer not giving us 10% of their money! It’s like they don’t understand the basic concepts of addition and subtraction. But where in the Bible does it specifically say not to take advantage of simple-minded people and make their lives worse by tricking them out of substantial percentages of their paychecks? Seriously, where? I don’t know because I probably cut those passages out of mine.”

The interviewer then asked if Osteen would donate any money to help his followers who are struggling from losing their jobs due to the economic shutdown.

“I’m not going to start being poorer just because everyone in my church is getting poorer! They should have made better money decisions, like not buying all my books. All I did was rearrange the words and sentences! So it’s not my fault they buy every one of them. No refunds! And I recently spent all the book proceeds on a large collection of Japanese sex robots, so it’s all gone. I’m a good Christian so I’d never cheat on my wife, but I still want some new thrills in my life, you know? And it’s not cheating if your other woman is an inanimate, life-like pleasure doll, or ten of them.”

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45 thoughts

    1. So many morons here, lol…
      Believing something that’s literally labeled as satire is just about the most brazen expression of stupidity that I can think of…

      But I guess if you actually believe that a con-artist like Olsteen, then you’re probably the stupid kind anyway.

    2. I don’t believe a word of any of this!
      It doesn’t even sound like him!
      At the end of the day only God can Judge!!
      Regardless of whatever every knee shall bow….

      1. Joel Olsteen is like all other televangelists if he was so giving he wouldn’t own a Ferrari Italian. A 17000 square foot home for four people.

        A LITTLE EXCESSIVE FOR SOMEONE WHO THINKS HE PREACHES!!!!!

  1. God is watching you! He will be the judge! You may not be able to spend your money in the place God decideds for you to go.

  2. Just in case is you talking Joel, because is the story of heaven and hell is true, Lazarus and the rich, then is either up or down for YOU. Down is more likely.

  3. Whoever wrote this about Joel Osteen obviously doesn’t understand about sowing and reaping. When a farmer plants a seed in the ground, he’s not losing a seed, he’s gaining a harvest.

  4. No way!! I don’t believe he said this. No way! If he did? Wow God gonna deal with him severely. No way! He not say that. I not even listen to him much..I still listen to Billy Graham or John MacArthur..Sometimes Joel…Whoever wrote this better be careful. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord..Actually I think Joel is helping the needy..Yeah he is..Joel knows..He knows what to do..

  5. You’re a joke and a fraud! Pretending to write Joel’s response with nothing but lies, distortions, ridicule and such character assassination. You’ll have a very high price to pay unless you repent and write a retraction! You see, you will be held responsible for any and all those whom you lead astray. Wow, think about that before you take any further missteps.

    God will forgive you if you ask!

    Rick – Strong defended of Joel

    1. You’re right. I repent… Thanks, God. He told me we were cool. He said I could make as many articles mocking Joel Osteen as I want.

  6. Your post is so bad it is sad that some people actually believe that about Joel.
    The sad thing about the internet is that anyone can post anything, true or false!
    The damage you’re doing is going to be assigned to you! Good Luck! You’ll need it!

    Joel Osteen is as real as can be! Just because of his success, you think you can assassinate his character!

    1. “Joel Osteen is as real as can be!”

      Yes, yes he is….
      As real as the Japanese sex robots that he obviously has a fetish for 😆😂😜!

  7. God can take it all away in a blink of an eye . Joel needs to humble himself. The rich all sound the same . Who’s feet did he wash last week ?

  8. A con artist relying on the stupid. $o million he should be donating 20 million minimum to help people. Why has he all this money as a person representing God. I somehow feel God will be disgusted with his greed and he will get corona and die he deserves it , This is a case of greed beyond normal .

  9. Joel Osteen didn’t get rich by being stupid enough to say any of this, although this is probably what he really thinks. It is absolutely ridiculous that he lives like he does and isn’t known for helping his fellow man especially in a time of need.

  10. Omg, I buy my stepmom J. O. books for Christmas cause that’s what she likes (to each their own, I guess), but I’m definitely getting my dad a ‘subscription’ to your Halfway News site!!! As long as he doesn’t show my stepmom, lol ;p

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