Houston, TX—
Televangelist Joel Osteen is facing criticism for not doing more to help the sick and needy through this COVID quarantine crisis. Many critics have taken offense that Osteen was still asking for donations through his website, despite the closure of his megachurch and his absurdly high net worth.
Osteen participated in an interview conducted by a local Houston television news program to defend himself against charges that his net worth was inherently unChristian.
“Look, I view my Lakewood Church as my flock, and I look after my flock like a shepherd would his sheep,” explained Osteen. “But the flock of sheep also provides the shepherd with very valuable wool that he then sells to support himself and pay the mortgage of a mansion and buy a fleet of sports cars. So when I ask for money donations, I am merely asking my sheep for their wool. And maybe their kids’ college funds. What’s wrong with that? And besides, my church knows I’m sincere. They come to me for advice on how to be rich like me, and I help them plant their seeds for success by taking their seeds, which are donations to my church or purchases of my books, and then burying those seeds into my bank account to blossom into new private jets. But they are happy to give! They know I’m 100% authentic, and that I care about them. And though they may be my sheep, they’re looking after me, too. They don’t want me to get coronavirus, and neither do I. Which is why, in this trying time, it is especially imperative that I continue to get cash money donations.”
Osteen rubbed his fingers together pantomiming the act of rubbing coins.
“If this pandemic continues to get worse, I’m going to need to take off in my private jet and not come back down to land for many weeks or months until the pandemic is over. Do you have any idea how expensive jet fuel is? And how much it costs to refuel in mid-air? And if all my followers die from the coronavirus I’m going to need to spend a lot of money on advertising to find tens of thousands of new dupes to buy my copy-pasted books. And, as the Internet accumulates lots of exposé videos of me living a hypocritical life of superfluous luxury and saying things that suggest I don’t understand basic tenets of my own religion, it’s getting harder and harder to find new people willing to give me money!”
The interviewer then interrupted Osteen to ask if he remembered Jesus’s line about camels and eyes of needles.
“Are you sure that’s in the Bible? I’m not familiar with that. Oh, you know what, maybe it’s a translation thing. You see, I’ve actually done my own translation and editing of the Bible. It’s kind of like Jefferson’s Bible, in which he edited out all the supernatural and unbelievable mythological bits he didn’t care for. In my Bible, I edited out all the stuff about money changers, the bits against hoarding, and all the animal-based metaphors concerning wealth and greed. Because, you know, if Jesus had been a little greedier and flashier with some conspicuous consumption, he probably would have had way more than just twelve Disciples in his lifetime. Look at me, my net worth is over $40 million, and I have hundreds of thousands of viewers of my sermons in-person and online! So clearly Jesus was a little mistaken about the value of money. Besides, why do people criticize me? Why don’t they look at Kenneth Copeland? He’s way richer than me! Or Jesse Duplantis? Or Benny Hinn? Or Creflo Dollar? Or Joyce Meyer? Or Pat Robertson? All these people are rich like me, and I’m not going to give up my private jets until they give up theirs! Out of all these people, my mansion is nowhere near the biggest! And if Jesus hadn’t wanted all of us to live extravagant lifestyles, he wouldn’t have made our followers so gullible!”
Osteen threw his hands up in the air and shrugged.
“We’re literally telling them that by giving us their money, they will get more money in the future, and it never happens! And they still continue to give us money! It’s amazing. Certainly God is okay with this or He wouldn’t allow us to continue doing it. Let’s be honest, a lot of us televangelists have committed a lot of fraud, and one God-inspired IRS audit could wreck us. But our followers still give us money for third private jets even when we already have two because we convince them Jesus will pay it forward. Isn’t the prosperity gospel hilarious? It’s like they don’t understand the basic concepts of addition and subtraction in their wallets. But where in the Bible does it specifically say not to take advantage of simple-minded people and make their lives worse by tricking them out of substantial percentages of their paychecks? Seriously, where? I don’t know because I probably cut those passages out of mine.”
The interviewer then asked if Osteen would donate any money to help his followers who are struggling from losing their jobs due to the economic shutdown.
“I’m not going to start being poorer just because everyone in my church is getting poorer! They should have made better money decisions, like not buying all my books! All I did was rearrange the sentences! So it’s not my fault they buy every one of them. No refunds! And I recently spent all the book proceeds on a large collection of Japanese sex robots, so the money is all gone anyway. I’m a good Christian so I’d never cheat on my wife, but I still want some new thrills and variety in my romantic life, you know? And it’s not cheating if your other woman is an inanimate, life-like pleasure doll, or ten of them from Japan! I programmed them to call me Johann Tetzel!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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Guys, please….this is a fake interview, not real. I can’t believe that most of you guys are that gullible and belive this. This is not Joel Olsteen. Jesus is real for you non believers.
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I farted and it was great
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It’s not “your”, it’s “you’re”. Schooling helps one identify truth from fiction, you know, like figuring out that Trump is a total fake.
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Fake news! Nice try!
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So many morons here, lol…
Believing something that’s literally labeled as satire is just about the most brazen expression of stupidity that I can think of…
But I guess if you actually believe that a con-artist like Olsteen, then you’re probably the stupid kind anyway.
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The guy is a complete non.christan asshole.
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I disagree.
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Olsteen is a novel way to write it.
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Hahahaha 😅
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Thanks!
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He has no clue who Jesus is.
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I don’t believe a word of any of this!
It doesn’t even sound like him!
At the end of the day only God can Judge!!
Regardless of whatever every knee shall bow….
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Joel Olsteen is like all other televangelists if he was so giving he wouldn’t own a Ferrari Italian. A 17000 square foot home for four people.
A LITTLE EXCESSIVE FOR SOMEONE WHO THINKS HE PREACHES!!!!!
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Civil aircraft cannot refuel in mid air.
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I took some artistic license.
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or can they?…
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Every shepherd that exploits his sheep will rot in hell! Joel Osteen is the worst of them.
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You got that right
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This is fake news, if you know Joel he don’t talk like this. So many people hate him and don’t even know him 🤦♀️
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” if you know Joel he don’t talk like this. So many people hate him and don’t even know him”. Mmmmm. That poses the question, “Can one ever really know a fake?” As the snake said after biting its helper, “Well, you knew all along that I was a snake!”
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God is watching you! He will be the judge! You may not be able to spend your money in the place God decideds for you to go.
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Yah, I’m not believing this for a second. Doesn’t even sound like his way of speaking.?
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What about the sex dolls? Do you think those are real?
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The corona virus is fake it’s a scam.
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Just in case is you talking Joel, because is the story of heaven and hell is true, Lazarus and the rich, then is either up or down for YOU. Down is more likely.
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Whoever wrote this about Joel Osteen obviously doesn’t understand about sowing and reaping. When a farmer plants a seed in the ground, he’s not losing a seed, he’s gaining a harvest.
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Are you coming on to me?
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Sowing (selling) religion and reaping obscene wealth some how doesn’t resonate with take on Jesus. Beware of wolves.
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No way!! I don’t believe he said this. No way! If he did? Wow God gonna deal with him severely. No way! He not say that. I not even listen to him much..I still listen to Billy Graham or John MacArthur..Sometimes Joel…Whoever wrote this better be careful. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord..Actually I think Joel is helping the needy..Yeah he is..Joel knows..He knows what to do..
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no he doesn’t.
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You’re a joke and a fraud! Pretending to write Joel’s response with nothing but lies, distortions, ridicule and such character assassination. You’ll have a very high price to pay unless you repent and write a retraction! You see, you will be held responsible for any and all those whom you lead astray. Wow, think about that before you take any further missteps.
God will forgive you if you ask!
Rick – Strong defended of Joel
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Joel Osteen is a massive phoney who has brainwashed people in to giving him money.
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You’re right. I repent… Thanks, God. He told me we were cool. He said I could make as many articles mocking Joel Osteen as I want.
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JOEL OLSTEEN IS A JOKE AND A FRAUD
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Amen!!
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Your post is so bad it is sad that some people actually believe that about Joel.
The sad thing about the internet is that anyone can post anything, true or false!
The damage you’re doing is going to be assigned to you! Good Luck! You’ll need it!
Joel Osteen is as real as can be! Just because of his success, you think you can assassinate his character!
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“Joel Osteen is as real as can be!”
Yes, yes he is….
As real as the Japanese sex robots that he obviously has a fetish for 😆😂😜!
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God can take it all away in a blink of an eye . Joel needs to humble himself. The rich all sound the same . Who’s feet did he wash last week ?
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A con artist relying on the stupid. $o million he should be donating 20 million minimum to help people. Why has he all this money as a person representing God. I somehow feel God will be disgusted with his greed and he will get corona and die he deserves it , This is a case of greed beyond normal .
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Where is the link to the interview.. Audio or video?
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Uh.. about that…
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Lies
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Joel Osteen didn’t get rich by being stupid enough to say any of this, although this is probably what he really thinks. It is absolutely ridiculous that he lives like he does and isn’t known for helping his fellow man especially in a time of need.
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Omg, I buy my stepmom J. O. books for Christmas cause that’s what she likes (to each their own, I guess), but I’m definitely getting my dad a ‘subscription’ to your Halfway News site!!! As long as he doesn’t show my stepmom, lol ;p
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Thanks for reading my satires, Crystal! 😀
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‘ “All I did was rearrange the words and sentences”.’
Omg… Priceless 😅🤣😉!
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It’s been a few months since this edgy satire was published, but I just came across it and I want to thank you for bringing some shock humor into my life during some really rough times. Some of the comments are astoundingly hilarious as well. I’m glad I discovered Halfway Post and I look forward to more grins in the coming days. Aloha From The Big Island of Hawai’i.
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This is complete malarkey. You are liars and should be ashamed!
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It’s Tom Foolery.
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S
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Religion is a big business it has nothing to do with GOD .It only money making for these pastors
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I used to go to Lakewood Church, when covid hit I needed help with financial help. I called Lakewood the church that I’ve gone to for 5 years and they basically ignored me. This is when I really found out that this is not where I belong. I believe that if somebody is worth $40 million they should help the poor the proof is in the pudding. Would Jesus do this? Jesus never ignored the poor, if Jesus were to ask the rich Young minister to sell everything he has and give it to the poor would Joel Osteen do that? Flock think about this!
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