Trump Says, If Reelected, He Has A 30-Day Plan To Defeat Coronavirus

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump claimed he had a 30-day plan to defeat the coronavirus today in a press conference, but that plan would only be unveiled after his reelection victory.

The following is a transcript of a rambling monologue he delivered to reporters:

“We’re doing great, great work against coronavirus. We’ve never seen anything like it. Both the virus, and our tremendous response. The numbers have gotten a little bad, which we don’t like. But also not so bad as some other places. So we like the numbers, and we like where the numbers are headed, and we believe everything will soon be under control. Or maybe not, because you never know. One thing happens one day, and the next, not. But we’ll see. We’ll know more tomorrow, and the day after that, but I’m very happy. We have masks, anyone who wants one can get one. Masks are good. We like masks. We think people should wear masks. Unless you don’t want to. Not wearing a mask is good, too. Maybe better. Maybe not. Who knows? The doctors are very happy with how many masks there are. And tests. Lot of tests. Very great tests. And fast. Fast tests. Some of the fastest tests anywhere in the world. Some places not so fast, but that depends on a lot of things, a lot of tough things. But we’re looking at everything. You wouldn’t believe how much we’re looking at. The doctors, they tell me, ‘Wow, Mr. Trump, you’re looking everywhere.’ They tell me I’m looking too much. I’m going to run out of places to look soon. But that’s my job. And I’m doing it so much better than people would have expected. Even Fauci. But you’ve never seen such a happy, optimistic team as this team standing behind me. And my entire administration. Everyone is smiling around the White House. Beautiful smiles. Because we have such a beautiful plan. One of the greatest plans any President in history has ever come up with. It’s a 30-day plan, and, if I get reelected, I’m going to totally defeat the coronavirus in just 30 days. But I’m not going to tell how. Because we have to start being unpredictable. Because we’re always too predictable. The coronavirus hears everything when we have all these press conferences. And the fake news talks every day. The coronavirus loves Don Lemon. Listens to him every night. So I’m not going to say my plan. We say we’re doing this, or we’re going to do that, or we’re going to use this approach and this counter-measure, and the coronavirus hears it all. We have to start being unpredictable, folks. But trust me that it’s a tremendous plan. The best plan maybe of all time. Coronavirus’s days are numbered, I guarantee it. We have the greatest doctors in the world, and I’m going to give them total authorization to do whatever it takes. Just 30 days after the day I get reelected, the coronavirus will be gone. Like magic. Just 30 days! It’s going to be way better than the plan Obama did with Ebola, trust me! You’re going to love it. You’re going to say, ‘Wow, President Trump, I can’t believe how fast you did it!’ It’ll be a beautiful thing.”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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