Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump earlier today addressed criticisms of his efforts to halt the spread of coronavirus in the US, and promptly blamed Vice President Mike Pence.
The following is his Twitter thread:
“The Fake News has reached a new low by criticizing the way I handled this whole coronavirus mess! I 100% deserve a 10 out of 10! It’s not even my responsibility anyway! I made Mike Pence the Coronavirus Czar. I knew I should have just done it all myself, cause I would have done it perfectly, but he got on his knees and he begged.. real embarrassing!”
“So don’t blame me, blame Mike! The buck stops with him because I trusted him and turned my back, and then he stabbed me in the back by only doing a 9 out of 10 job, which allowed our number of cases to skyrocket! So not fair for the Fake News to blame me! I would have brought the number of cases down to zero because I know so much about defeating the coronavirus I could write a best-selling book about it!”
“I’d call it ‘The Art of the Pandemic Containment’ and it would probably sell so many copies. It would have a big picture of me on the cover, maybe with a thumbs up. Maybe some models around me, too. And the title of the book would be in the font comic sans in big gold letters. I love that font. And in the middle would be photos of me, and maybe a couple of my uncle who worked at MIT. He’s where I got my great brain genetics from!”
“On the back I’d have tons of excerpts of people talking about how tremendous my book is. People would say it’s way better than the books Obama wrote. The Pope would write about how my pandemic containment plan would be the biggest medical miracle since Jesus cured all those leopards of whatever diseases that cats got back then!”
“So see? I’ve practically written the whole thing already! It will be a big, beautiful book. You won’t believe how many facts about coronavirus will be in it. It would blow your mind. It will deserve a Pulitzer and a Nobel for chemistry, but who knows if the media will let them give me the awards it will deserve because they’re all rigged. Sad!”
“So Mike, this wasn’t your best work. He really dropped the ball, didn’t he? Maybe I’ll replace him as VP for 2020. Who knows? We’re looking into it, but a lot of people are saying I should replace him with someone who didn’t totally ruin the coronavirus response all by himself. Maybe there will be an announcement coming next week… stay tuned! #KeepAmericaGreat!”
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