Amidst President Donald Trump’s plethora of ugly personal scandals involving nondisclosure agreements, hush money, and intimidating threats of violence and lawsuits, Vice President Mike Pence now has one of his own.
According to Halfway Post sources, in 2014 Mr. Pence’s personal attorney Robin Wade paid an unnamed woman $100 in hush money on an airplane then-Governor Mike Pence was taking to Indiana from a Governors’ Association meeting in Washington D.C.
In one salacious account of the incident, Mr. Pence allegedly looked at the woman, who was not his wife, from across the airplane aisle, and held eye contact for a full two seconds. The woman reportedly agreed to accept the money in exchange for never speaking of the incident to anyone, especially to Mr. Pence’s family.
Neither Pence nor the Office of the Vice President have yet responded to requests for a comment, though Mr. Pence did comment yesterday on President Trump’s former relationship with pornstar Stormy Daniels.
“I don’t believe a word that streetlight hussy Daniels ever said about this great president I’ve had the privilege of serving these last couple years,” Pence told reporters. “The President personally told me those rumors were 100% false, and he never lies. He is the most honest, truthful chief executive this country has ever had. He is also the most chaste, Godly president as well. There is no way I’d believe for a second that a man who has given his solemn word to me multiple times that he has memorized the entire Gospels word for word both forwards and backwards would lie about this Stormy Daniels affair fake news. The President swears he has only had sexual intercourse four times, and only for the strict purpose of reproduction. Now, I know what you’re thinking, because I myself had the same question. I also was skeptical given that the President has five children, but he has assured me that Ivanka’s conception was an immaculate one, conceived by God himself. He said that’s why it’s okay and not weird when he calls Ivanka a 10, and says he’d love to date her if he wasn’t her father. He says when he references sex while talking about her it’s just a heavenly metaphor for how much he loves his lord and savior, Jesus Christ. He said it’s also why Ivanka is so good looking while Don Jr. and Eric are such malformed fuglies, and I admit his reasoning on that one checks out.”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.