Mike Pence Cancels NRA Speech Because He Doesn’t Feel Safe If There Aren’t 500 AR-15s In The Room


Washington D.C.—

The Halfway Post is reporting breaking news that Vice President Mike Pence canceled his second NRA speech because his first speech, given to an auditorium adhering to a strict Secret Service mandate of a gun-free zone, made him feel way too unsafe.

“Mike was obviously very nervous up on stage at his first speech,” said a VP staffer who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the internal workings of the VP team. “He was sweating bullets worried that the entire room was defenseless in the event of a terrorist attack with real bullets. The Secret Service was there, of course, but Pence just always feels safer when surrounded by a busload of amateur, wannabe-hero Second Amendment enthusiasts. He told us he’d actually prefer if everyone in the audience had their guns cocked and ready to fire to minimize the amount of time that any would-be terrorist would have to make a move before being shot 1000 times by 500 patriots—or ever better, if they were aiming just to the right and left of Pence at varying heights as he spoke so as to be ready to unleash a literal wall of bullets to stop anybody with bad intentions from getting close to him. Pence has said it a million times: the only thing stopping a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, and if thousands of accidental gun-related deaths, thousands more intentional gun-related deaths, and tens of thousands more still of gun-related injuries and cases of harassment and threats of violence are the cost we have to pay for a single bad guy being stopped, that’s just the insanely disproportional risk we have to take.”


(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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