Franklin Graham: “Trump’s Affair With Stormy Daniels Doesn’t Count Cause It Was Awesome!”


Washington D.C.—

Speaking at a prayer breakfast in the White House this morning, Evangelical leader Franklin Graham delivered an introductory speech in praise of President Donald Trump’s personal behavior focused on his pure dedication to Jesus Christ.

The Halfway Post was on scene to capture audio from the exclusive event, which is transcripted below:

“Thank you, everyone, for coming to this wonderful tradition of the annual White House prayer breakfast. I would like to kick things off by saying thank you to Donald Trump. No president in US history has ever lived the Gospels so determinedly as you, sir. I know there is a big mess going on right now with this Stormy Daniels affair, but let me just assure you that the Lord is not worried about trivial, awesome stories like that. Now if you had had an affair with a gay man, baby Jesus would be livid. If you had made out with a man and caressed his nipples, and licked his neck, and tongued down his back and bulging lats following down the thick grooves of his adonis belt, and then wandered your tongue back around toward his plump butt cheeks—oompfh, don’t let me get carried away—but, yeah, if Stormy was a man we would have a problem. The Bible doesn’t condone steamy man-on-man action. But the Bible, if you ask me, is conspicuously silent on the issue of porn stars. The ancient Israelites couldn’t even imagine video pornography, so no harm no foul there. The best they had were simplistic drawings on their urns and vases. And they had arranged marriages because daughters and women were property in those days. The good ol’ days if you ask me. So let me assure you, Donald, that God and baby Jesus are A-ok with you and Stormy. That’s between you, Stormy, and the Holy Ghost. Like, if you were eating shrimp at the same time, Leviticus might have a boner to pick with you, pun intended, but as long as you weren’t being penetrated over and over by a girthy, veiny, 9-inch magnificent penis glistening with lube and saliva left over from a blowjob you just gave it starting at the tip and descending down the ramrod shaft up and down, up and down until you can feel it at the back of your throat and you hold it there for five seconds, ten seconds, as long as your gag reflex can hold off, while you massage the balls and then put those in your mouth and direct that big bear of a man you’ve seduced to tea bag you as you pleasure yourself manually…. [Graham paused here for about 20 seconds with his eyes closed as he gripped the podium until his knuckles turned white] …as long as you weren’t doing any of that devil’s work it’s totally 100% fine that you were cheating on your third wife while she was pregnant. You can take that to the bank. No one knows more about the Bible than me. I’m the biggest expert on sola scriptura in the world, and I inherited that from my dad. Yep. That’s the beauty of the Bible. You don’t need all the historical, critical, and literary context that the atheist liberals try to give it! That’s the best part of being an Evangelical! You just have to believe in Jesus! Nothing else matters! So thank you, President Trump! And let me just say, that however depraved your personal and professional conduct gets, I will find a Bible verse somewhere that clears you of sin as long as you keep giving us Christian-fundamentalist federal judges and Supreme Court justices who will one day convert America’s judiciary into an Evangelical theocracy like an American version of Sharia law. I will back you up. Because you are truly a man of God. You’re totally not a sodomite, just like me. Me and you are probably the least gay men to ever live. I can’t even imagine how many cock sneak attacks God has sent your way to test your faith that you’ve courageously shunned and ignored. It happens to me all the time. You all know what I’m talking about, right? [Graham motioned to the audience.] How many times has the Devil gotten into your head and tempted you to lay with a man like a woman? Like when you’re in the locker room at the YMCA and naked men come back from their showers to change. Or when you’re in gas station bathrooms and you see all those burly truck drivers who have compartments in their cabs that you could crawl up into and no one would ever see or know what happens there. Or summer camp that one year. I’m practically swatting away big, swollen, delicious cocks all the time! Who is with me? [The crowd was silent.] Uh… now I guess it’s time for the prayer. Um, Dear God, thanks for my millions of dollars that come from poor people buying my books, and for giving me the wisdom to realize that, instead of giving away my knowledge for free like Jesus would have done, that I can make a lot of money selling Christianity for a profit instead. And thank you for President Donald Trump. Amen!”

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

(Picture courtesy of Matt Johnson.)

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.