In a frank interview with God this morning, the Creator admitted that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special.
“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there are only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there are more germs inside one of you morons than all of humanity put together. And you know about tardigrades? Those little guys are the s***. Did you know tardigrades can live in the vacuum of outer space? You humans need billions of dollars in technology to go out there for ten seconds like total biological losers! I love how you all think I designed the universe specifically for you. I designed the universe specifically for tardigrades!”
God lit a cigarette and took a long drag.
“You humans are always sucking yourselves off anthropocentrically,” He said. “No offense, but I was pretty tired when I thought up Homo sapiens, and I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth because I had been drinking that night. I phoned it in. You all have no cool features like fangs, wings, shells, blood-shooting eyeballs, stinky scent glands, dynamic bladders for depth control, echolocation, electroreception, jet propulsion, bioluminescence… nothing. I’m embarrassed to take credit.”
God said He wasn’t being hard on Himself, just candid.
“Pretty much all I did was rip off My chimpanzee design, shave off most of the hair, and give you all bigger portions of dicks, boobs, and brain folds. But I think you’ll agree it wasn’t a good mix. Males are so overly competitive comparing their penis size that self-genocide is a recurring problem. And your big brains are barely used for more than self-absorption. The boobs are cool, though. Usually for sexual ornamentation I just make the males of a species real colorful, but I gave female humans such heavy mammary glands that they get back problems. Intelligent design, am I right? For real, though, the idea that I made the Earth specifically for humans is the funniest s*** I’ve ever heard. Right… I created poison ivy, quicksand, great white sharks, STDs, Australia, earthquakes, hornets, hurricanes, sinkholes, annual influenzas, and meteors because Earth is just a wonderful little crib of soft pillows, hugs, and love for humanity. Give Me a break! It’s for tardigrades!”
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