The Top 30 Insults For President Donald Trump

  1. Donald Trump’s tough guy branding is dangerously dependent on his hair not getting wet in the rain.
  2. Trump calls everything “the best,” “the worst,” and “tremendous” because he doesn’t have the cognizance to describe nuance or complexity. People who can’t explain things don’t understand them. His basic, superlative vocabulary betrays a bad case of toddler brain.
  3. Trump’s unprecedented deal making, “easily-winnable” trade wars, and ability to keep us exhausted from all his winning have not quite lived up to the hype of his Dunning-Kruger confidence.
  4. Donald Trump is the laziest president since Warren Harding, and at least Harding had the decency to admit he was in over his head and should not have ever been elected president.
  5. Some day even snorting amphetamines won’t be enough to pump blood through Donald Trump’s arteries clogged with decades of big mac sauce to get that rich, sweet oxygen to his brain.
  6. Donald Trump’s depraved, unquenchable thirst for gauche iconification has made him the savior for an electorally declining conservative movement absorbed in an insular zeitgeist of xenophobia and ends-justify-the-means political villainy.
  7. Donald Trump’s Twitter is impressively more bitchy than a teenaged girl’s burn book.
  8. Donald Trump was born in the Sumatran jungle and his dad was a neo-neo-colonialist orangutan. That’s why he won’t release his tax returns.
  9. The Trump family’s sociopathic sense of self-importance via inherited wealth is reminiscent of why the Western world decapitated absolutist monarchs and abolished aristocracies.
  10. Donald Trump’s foreign policy only makes sense when you remember he’s in desperate need of current and future liquid cash to pay off ludicrous loans he got from foreign oligarchs because American have all been burned by his comically bad business sense and preposterous dishonesty.
  11. Donald Trump is not man enough to personally participate in firing his own underlings like Jeff Sessions, James Comey, and Rex Tillerson, despite “You’re fired!” literally being his former television catchphrase.
  12. Remember when Donald Trump said repeatedly he had all the best people? …Lol
  13. To be fair, Donald Trump has no idea how stupid he truly is. Malignant narcissists have that issue.
  14. Donald Trump did not have to run for president, but because he’s an egomaniac he did, and America learned he’s racist, unAmerican, easily bribed, an awful dealmaker, and an admitted sex offender. Talk about talent for branding.
  15. One of the few statistics Donald Trump is first in presidential history is the number of former staffers who have said he’s a moron with the attention span of a middle schooler.
  16. Donald Trump’s main accomplishment in life was to get so far into debt that his creditors had to give him an allowance in order to pretend to still be rich so they could profit off the properties he overpaid for and would never personally own again.
  17. Donald Trump runs the government like he runs his businesses… which is why everyone in his administration leaks to the press, back-stabs each other bad-mouthing everyone else, and writes embarrassing tell-all memoirs when they leave.
  18. Trump lost by 3 million votes. Every time someone says “The American people elected Donald Trump” remember that that is not actually factually accurate.
  19. Donald Trump is a punching down sucking up bully.
  20. Donald Trump is so bad at business and deal making that Wharton should take back his degree.
  21. Donald Trump has no depth, nuance, or complexity. He doesn’t make jokes, he doesn’t laugh except at the expense of others, and he speaks as if he has never opened a thesaurus. If he wasn’t racist and never accused Obama of being a Kenyan citizen, he’d have no political career, and he’s a baby every day about how unfair his life is when people notice that he cheats in every aspect of his life, whether it’s paying contractors, being faithful to his wives, golf, or foreign election assistance.
  22. Believing Donald Trump is an “alpha male” would be so much easier if he wasn’t a whiny little bitch about everything, but particularly tough questions from female journalists.
  23. Donald Trump’s critics called him too stupid, impulsive and unprepared to make a deal with Kim Jong-un to end North Korea’s nuclear program, and they were right.
  24. There is no word in English to describe adequately what a disgrace and joke Donald Trump’s petty existence is. His hair comes closest as a sort of symbolic expression of his lunatic id.
  25. If you don’t count all the hush money payments to porn stars, the forced nondisclosure agreements throughout his decades in business and years as president, the ceaseless lies about even trivial and unimportant details, the omnipresent blackholes of litigation to avoid consequences for his rampant illegality and sexual assaults, and all the other shady stuff Michael Cohen has done for him, then, yeah… Donald Trump has barely done any coverups at all.
  26. Donald Trump spills out word vomit so disjointed and mentally nonlinear that it’s borderline impossible for editors to transcribe in reproduction for their readers to try to interpret for themselves. That is an unmistakable sign of moronic witlessness.
  27. Trump’s military parade was a colossal failure and perfect Donald Trump Production™: an impulsively decided, unprofessionally planned, amateurishly implemented, needlessly expensive, social-norm destroying, narcissistic effort to hijack something meant for others and make it about himself.
  28. Trump’s constant, compulsive need for personal validation betrays a crippling, omnipresent fear of personal inadequacy that is unbecoming of a gentleman, let alone the Office of the Presidency.
  29. His kids turned out very weird.
  30. I can’t wait to watch the biopic movies coming out in a few years mocking Donald Trump’s spectacular business failures, cartoonish character traits, and village idiot presidency.

From The Halfway Post vault:

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