Trump: “I’m Sorry I Didn’t Take Coronavirus Seriously, My Bad”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump made rare apologetic comments in a Twitter thread this morning concerning the controversies over his lack of pre-emptive measures to contain the spread of COVID-19 in the US:

“I want everyone to know I’m sorry I screwed up so bad with coronavirus. You see, I got elected to govern like a business man, and well… I’m a very bad business man. I thought I’d be able to just get a bunch of loans from coronavirus, default on them, declare bankruptcy, and then get bailed out by a bunch of banks, but pandemics don’t work like that. That may be how I run my businesses, but it doesn’t apply here!”

“I’m also sorry for calling coronavirus a hoax. And for saying our cases would soon be zero. And that it would all be over once the weather got warm. And for saying China was doing a great job stopping it. And for claiming 200,000 American deaths would be a victory for the country. I’m sorry I was wrong about literally everything. I’m also sorry for blaming Pence. It’s 100% my fault. The buck finally stops with me, and I’ve failed America.”

“I’m also sorry for not reading my daily national security briefs that have been warning me China was lying about how bad the disease would be for months. The briefs haven’t been saying my name very much lately cause everything is about China, virology, and ‘America is woefully unprepared,’ so it’s very hard for me to concentrate! I’m also sorry I said I know more than anybody about China, viruses, healthcare, quarantines, mitosis, and pandemics. Those were fibs.”

“I’m also sorry I said the coronavirus was first transmitted to humans from Nancy Pelosi’s period blood. And that giving yourself Diet Coke enemas was a cure for COVID. Neither of those were true, and I’m actually not very good at science or medicine. My uncle may have gone to MIT, but apparently your uncle can’t pass on smart genetics to you.”

“I’m also sorry I’ve been so mean to the media. They are not fake news. I have to come clean that I love lying and name-calling, but now that a real emergency is afflicting the country I love, the responsible thing to do is to call Obama back to the White House and let him take over my job because I am mentally and emotionally incapable of faithfully fulfilling the requirements of the job as President. I never even thought I’d be President. I only did it to get more money out of NBC for The Apprentice.”

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