Trump Calls For A Military Parade To Celebrate Himself Being A “War President”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump took to Twitter this morning to announce he has directed the military to plan a big parade in the capital to congratulate himself for being such an effective “war time president” throughout this coronavirus pandemic.

The following are Mr. Trump’s tweets:

“Everyone is talking about what a great job I’ve done! No country has better reacted to the coronavirus pandemic than America thanks to me. The Fake News will say other countries have done way more tests, and have had way fewer deaths, but compared to any president in history, no one has done more than me against COVID-19!”

“That’s right, no other country has done more to help Americans than America. China hasn’t helped as many Americans as us, South Korea hasn’t helped as many Americans as us, no country has helped as many Americans as we have! So take that, liberal haters! Admit it, I’m better than Abraham Washington and Thomas Roosevelt combined!”

“And we’ve had the worst COVID ever. It’s COVID-19, which is the highest coronavirus we’ve ever seen! Not only is it the deadliest, but it shows what a great dealmaker I am! Obama only would have been able to get a COVID-15 or 16, but because of me America is winning back its greatness again!”

“So I am directing the generals to throw a big military parade in my honor for being such a brave president in such a dangerous time of war. As soon as this country’s economy gets back to work and all these states lift their unnecessary quarantine orders, we’re going to have a giant parade. It’s going to have tanks, missiles, jets and bombers and maybe even a nuclear submarine will make an appearance!”

“Coronavirus will take one look at this epic display of our military power and never want to infect another American ever again. Coronavirus hasn’t been afraid of America because my predecessors have all been so weak, but no more! Coronavirus will know I mean business when it sees a bunch of missiles driven through the streets of DC!”

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