Washington D.C.—
According to White House sources, President Donald Trump is considering waiting out the coronavirus in an underground nuclear bunker for several weeks, or as much as several months if the pandemic does not end.
“I don’t think it’s surprising for anyone to hear that Trump has downplayed the threat of coronavirus,” explained a White House staffer, who requested anonymity to discuss internal deliberations. “He spends his press conferences saying there’s nothing to worry about, but Trump himself is very worried. He’s pretty old, has real bad blood pressure issues, and he has not at all been following any of the medical suggestions about social distancing and hand washing. Quite frankly, he’s never been a hand-washer after using the bathroom. I once heard him groan for several minutes after an audibly explosive bowel movement that everyone could hear from the hallway, and then for thirty minutes he had the volume of several pornography videos playing out loud mixed in with some more groaning, and when he finally flushed the toilet he came right out with no washing whatsoever. So gross. His infamous germophobia only relates to other people. He doesn’t mind his own germs. But at least he’s looking into options to isolate himself and finally take professional medical advice seriously.”
Mr. Trump has reportedly even picked out which nuclear bunker he wants to stay in.
“Trump picked a secret bunker about fifty miles outside Pittsburgh in rural Pennsylvania Amish country,” explained another staffer. “It was an unusual choice because this bunker is a little dated, but Trump was adamant it had the interior layout he liked best of all the bunkers. His main interest was a bedroom suite that had two rooms connected by a door, and he labeled on a map layout of the bunker that the room next to his would be for Ivanka. Interestingly, he wrote down Melania and Jared Kushner’s names on a smaller room much further away mixed in with where his various staff would sleep. Mike Pence was going over the planning with Trump, and Pence asked him where Barron and Tiffany would be staying, and Trump, I swear to God, asked ‘Who?’ Pence then reminded him he had other kids, and Trump replied that regrettably the bunker didn’t have enough space for ‘Barett and the other one.’ Pence then asked if Eric and Don Jr. would be joining him in the bunker, and Trump just laughed.”
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