Eric Trump: “My Father Has Helped You Whether You’re Black, Brown Or Normal”

New York City, NY—

Eric Trump participated in a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post, in which he claimed his father had done more for Americans than any President.

“My father is the greatest president we’ve ever had,” Eric shouted when our Halfway Post reporter asked him how he was doing. “Americans’ lives have all been improved more than any other time in history. So many jobs before COVID, and now that some jobs are coming back it’s like my father is giving America double the jobs! And the more people who die from COVID just means the more jobs that are available. My dad is the king of jobs, and Americans have never had so many jobs as right now. Whether they are black, brown, red, yellow, some kind of mulatto or normal, my father has given them jobs. Whether they are Muslim, Sikh, Jewish, Buddhist or normal, my father has given them jobs. Whether they are gay, lesbian, trans, non-conforming or normal, my father has given them jobs. Whether they are Spanish speakers, Chinese speakers, French speakers, German speakers or normal speakers, my father has given them jobs. Whether they are poor, middle class or normal, my father has given them jobs. America just doesn’t understand the winning my father is doing for America. Suburban women, frankly, have no business voting for Joe Biden. And neither do black voters. Mexicans I can understand. My dad did call them rapists and locked up their babies. Mexicans, go vote for Biden. But just wait until Trump gets a second term, and ICE can get really unleashed. You think things are bad for you now, just wait! Stephen Miller has written anti-immigration policies so draconian that he walks around the White House all day with an erection. He wrote a long deportation memo so dark and evil that he literally jerked off on it. I saw Mark Meadows hold it up and it broke in half. Imagine that, a packet of papers deporting everyone whose skin was darker than an ‘apricot’ colored crayon, and it was so covered in Stephen Miller’s ejaculate that it literally broke in half. But that’s all just for latinos. Why would suburban white women be upset with my dad? Do they understand how much Democrats hate God, and Jesus, and un-aborted babies? If Joe Biden gets elected, Democrats are going to turn all white women’s marriages and children biracial. Is that what suburban white women want? For little Timmy and Billy to turn into Tyrone or Osama? I don’t think so. Joe Biden is going to turn their houses into low-income housing units, and give MS-13 gang lords a bunch of government grants to move in by the busload. Every suburban house’s living room will by law be converted into an abortion clinic. You’ll never get to eat an apple pie or burger or hotdog ever again. Only hummus, fried chicken, and all the aborted fetuses Hillary and Nancy Pelosi don’t eat first. Joe Biden will not stop until all of Mexico and the Middle East moves into the suburbs. And Africa. Is that what suburban white women want? You won’t recognize America anymore. Every suburb will be urban by 2024 if Joe Biden wins. So what are white suburban housewives thinking by flipping to Democrats? Are they afraid my father is going to sexually assault them? He hasn’t done any of that for at least a few years now, so give my dad a break!”

Our Halfway reporter asked Eric if he really thought his father had done more for black Americans than Abraham Lincoln and Lyndon B. Johnson, who had freed the slaves and given them the full protection of the law, respectively.

“Absolutely,” Eric said. “My father has done more than any president. Especially Martin Luther King, Jr., who hated black people when he was president. I think MLK invented dog whistle racism. He created the Southern strategy that got Democrats elected with subliminal bigotry. He was a slave owner, so I think Democrats should want to tear down all his statues, even if he did invent peanuts and jazz music. Can you believe he had black children? Talk about hypocrisy.”

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s