Local Miami resident Hank Champman turned 70 years old today, and says he’s old enough now to convert from Democrat to Republican, and become a grumpy geezer who hates change.
“They always say that people start off as bleeding heart liberals, and then become heartless conservatives when they get older,” said Champman, “and, now that I’m 70, I suppose it’s my turn to keep up this timeless tradition. So, from now on, I’m gonna start publicly ranting to anyone around me about ethnic and religious minorities, feminists, Millennials, Gen Z, the volume of my neighbors’ music, diner waitresses who should smile more, craft beer, people who dye their hair, gender-crossing fashion statements, food not being hot enough or having enough salt, social media beyond Facebook, electric cars, QR codes, all the apps I have to download now to do anything, and everything new that didn’t exist when I was kid!”
To enact this lifestyle change, Champman recently changed his voting party affiliation from Democrat to Republican, and scrubbed his Facebook page of various posts he has published in recent years supporting issues such as universal healthcare, minimum wage increases, climate change action, and gay marriage.
“It’s a big change for my family to get used to,” Champman said, “and my kids don’t support it, but those libtards won’t understand until they’re older. I spent all morning writing down talking points I learned from right wing talk radio hosts about how individual climate scientists are profiting more from the Chinese global warming hoax than international coal and oil companies ever have! And did you know that the Democrats I used to support regularly attend Hollywood parties where they drink the blood of aborted babies out of metal chalices that Karl Marx used to jerk off into while formulating the centuries-and-a-half globalist plot to trick America into electing a Black muslim communist from Kenya as president? The old me would have never believed such a conspiracy, but, thankfully, I’ve gotten old enough for all the liberal brainwashing I was subjected to in college during the 70s to lose its potency in my neurons. Now I can see the truth… like how Donald Trump is still the acting president, and is only using Biden as a brain-dead figurehead so he can take down the Deep State. Biden is propped up by an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys to look alive, but Trump’s still calling all the shots… Except for the Afghanistan withdrawal… And the infrastructure and stimulus spending bills… And the college debt relief… and the extra IRS funding… And all the other liberal stuff. I don’t know why Trump is allowing the Democrats to do these things, but he must have a good reason for it. I trust the plan! Besides, the more evidence that so-called fact-checkers and the mainstream media bring out that seems to dispute my beliefs, the more I believe them. I do my own research. You’ll never catch me believing a so-called expert who got a degree in science. Only Trump and the blue checkmarks on Elon Musk’s X with seven followers who Trump retweets are telling the truth!”
Champman recently bought a rocking chair for his porch so he can sit outside and yell at local kids and dog-walkers to stay off his lawn. He also has turned all the televisions in his house to Fox News and smashed their remote controls with a hammer so they can’t be changed to any other channel.
“I’m an absolute dick to everyone around me now, and I love it!” Champman continued. “A week ago I’d have absolutely hated the person I’m becoming, but the old me was a socialist communist fascist. And it has made my life much easier and simpler now that I’ve vowed to never think critically ever again. It’s effortless to just go with my first, gut reactions to everyone else’s opinions and facts, and refuse to look things up, investigate further, or debate the nuances of complex issues. In fact, I’ve vowed to never read another peer-reviewed study from alleged experts and doctors ever again. From now on my Facebook feed and personally catered algorithmic YouTube feed have all the scientific, political, and medical expertise that I need! Take that Fauci! Eat it, Kamala! Suck it, liberals!”
Champman also vowed to only vote straight-ticket Republican from now on.
“I got myself a coffee cup that says ‘Liberal Tears’ on it, and bought several MAGA hats to start wearing every time I leave the house!” Champman exclaimed. “I love how being Republican has become such an all-encompassing cultural identity now, and we MAGA Republicans have decided collectively to let our political beliefs take over every aspect of our personalities! I’m starting up conversations with total strangers at the grocery store and the bank about gas prices, migrant caravans, and Hunter Biden’s laptop! I’m really good at it! Watch! Let’s bomb Iran! Cut taxes to zero! Cut regulations so corporations can dump whatever chemicals they want into the river! Abolish the Department of Energy! Will there be negative consequences to any of this? Who cares?! I don’t even know what the Energy Department does, and, now that I’m a Republican, it doesn’t matter! Go Trump! Round up all the RINOs! End the FBI! Deport millions of people! Build the wall! Let’s go, Brandon! Who’s going to pay for it?! No one wants to work anymore! You can’t compliment women anymore! Bidenflation! You can’t tell jokes anymore! Cancel culture! Critical Race Theory! Woke! Go back to where you came from! Arm all the teachers! Don’t say gay! Trickle down! Hang Mike Pence! My pronouns are ‘fuck your feelings’ and ‘grab ’em by the pussy!’ Where we go one, we go all! Donald Trump is wearing Joe Biden’s face as a disguise!”
Champman then cracked open a cheap can of beer and turned on his yard sprinkler system to spray a neighbor kid who was walking home from school.
Enjoy my comedy? Buy me a coffee!
Follow me on Twitter, Threads, Spoutible, or Post.News to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium or on Substack to keep up with my daily writing studio.
Check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
Also check out my poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
The Halfway Post 