- Musicians from the New York Association of Tuba Players have been taking turns standing in front of Trump Tower every morning and evening so they can play tuba music when Trump walks in and out of the building.
- Trump is demanding the tuba players who wait outside Trump Tower each morning and evening to play tuba sounds as he walks in and out of the building stop immediately or he’ll sue them for “presidential harassment.”
- Several NYC dancers costumed as mushrooms wearing prison clothes have joined the tuba players who wait outside Trump Tower every morning and evening to troll Trump when he walks in and out.
- Joe Biden, holding a shotgun, says he looks forward to the Supreme Court’s conservative judges determining that presidents have immunity to kill.
- Donald Trump claimed Israel never would have attacked Iran tonight if he was still president before remembering he supports that attack.
- Trump reportedly told staffers at Mar-a-Lago that he’s afraid his next vice president will try to kill him to take power, “because that’s what I’d do.”
- Fox News reportedly sets aside $1 million a year for each of their show hosts for the future lawsuits they’ll inevitably cause.
- Trump was overheard in court today telling the judge, “I have executive privilege to smell however I want!”
- Hillary Clinton’s “Lock Him Up” themed party last night in the bar across the street from Trump Tower lasted until 6am.
- Trump says he will testify in this trial, “for real this time.”
- Stephen Miller called Kristi Noem an “amateur.”
- Trump claims his NY trial is forcing him to cancel a “big, beautiful charity event” he was going to host next month.
- The Secret Service is reportedly planning how to protect Donald Trump in prison because no one knows better than his agents that he has no self-control and he’ll likely be arrested for contempt of court.
- The Secret Service is reportedly having to offer “huge bonuses” to agents for them to agree in advance to spend all day in prison protecting Donald Trump if he gets incarcerated for contempt of court.
- A new study found that the median 6-year-old boy calls things “unfair” once every 9 hours on average, whereas Donald Trump calls things “unfair” once every 14 minutes.
- Follwing the news that Congress has finally passed a military aid package to Ukraine, a very angry looking Vladimir Putin just told Russian media outlets that he’s going to have to hack the GOP’s emails again.
- A televangelist from Arkansas claims if you play Taylor Swift’s new album backwards it’s full of subliminal messaging that “commands girls to dominate their boyfriends and peg them.”
- Vladimir Putin reportedly had two Russian intelligence officers pushed out of windows in Moscow today because they haven’t flipped a better US member of Congress than Marjorie Taylor Greene.
- The judge in Donald Trump’s NY trial says he will be instituting a zero tolerance policy for smeared ketchup on the walls of his courtroom.
- Trump reportedly demanded his lawyers begin their opening statements in his NY trial by saying he did not fart in court during the jury interviews.
- Trump’s lawyers are reportedly fighting in court to get back several nude self-portrait photographs Trump took of himself that he had mixed in with the various classified documents he stole.
- Trump reportedly filed his taxes by just writing in the middle of his forms with a Sharpie marker, “Send all bills to Joe Biden for stealing the election from me.”
- Several trial attendees sitting behind Donald Trump are making fart noises with their mouths every time he moves in his chair.
- The judge in Trump’s NY trial just denied Trump’s demand that the court stenographer “let the record show that I did not fart.”
- Trump is reportedly planning to fake being in a coma so he doesn’t have to sit in trial all day for weeks.
- Trump’s fake electors from Arizona and Michigan who are now being criminally indicted say they can’t believe Trump would abandon them.
- Trump’s new legal defense strategy in his NY fraud trial is to admit he’s bad at business, he cheated his way through business school, and his whole billionaire schtick is fictional so he didn’t know any better when he was breaking financial laws.
- Trump is reportedly starting to worry his strategy of picking lawyers solely based on physical appearance was a mistake.
- Joe Biden says he has already signed an arrest warrant for Donald Trump with the name “Dark Brandon, Supreme Court-approved dictator of the US,” and he’ll direct the DOJ to arrest Trump for election fraud immediately if Trump wins in November.
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