Amidst tensions between the US and Iran, President Hassan Rouhani has publicly announced he has a bootleg copy of President Donald Trump’s Moscow golden shower kompromat tape, and will release it online unless hostilities cease immediately.
“President Trump won’t be assassinating any other Iranian generals, I can assure the world,” Rouhani said in a public address. “Iran has in our government’s possession a weapon of mass disgust. Donald Trump has most distasteful sexual perversions, and I don’t believe he would enjoy the world seeing them displayed. And we have the whole tape. The whole tape. We have the part where he vigorously has intercourse with several McDonalds meals. President Trump, heed my words: if you escalate military tensions with Iran any further, we will show the world the plural orifices up which you have stuck big mac sandwiches. Seriously, America’s President is a sick freak. Allah will not be kind to him in the afterlife. The Koran does not mention fast food sex acts specifically, but it is implied such sexual indecency is forbidden. This tape will also clear up to the American people why their President seems to only act in the interest of Russia. Putin is in the tape variously throughout the recording, offering suggestions of gross things Trump can do in between bouts of maniacal laughter, which Trump eagerly obliges. There are several moments where Putin leans in front of the camera and gives a thumbs-up gesture. It appears Mr. Trump was trying to impress Putin by following his every direction, and Trump several times pleads with Putin to tell him he’s the best American business man ever. Putin has been holding this tape over Trump’s head for decades, and, because of it, Trump is betraying America… just like Trump betrayed common decency with those poor Russian women. So your move, President Trump. Do you want your pee pee tape released to the world? Then go ahead and continue being a dotard. We don’t want war, but we are fully prepared to ruin you. And, again, we have the whole tape. We have the thirty-minute discussion where you graphically compare the Russian prostitutes’ bodies to Ivanka’s body. It was very taboo of you.”
Picture: President Donald J. Trump delivers remarks on the death of Soleimani at Mar-a-Lago on Friday, January 3, 2010, in Palm Beach, Florida. (Official White House Photo by Shealah Craighead)