Iranian President Calls Ivanka “Fugly,” Donald Trump Calls Off Truce

Washington D.C.—

Iranian President Rouhani this morning said in a press conference that President Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka was “fugly,” a phrase he said was a combination of the words “fucking” and “ugly,” which immediately increased tensions that had appeared to cool off.

Trump responded in the following Twitter thread:

“My daughter is not ‘fugly,’ she’s a total 10. If she wasn’t my daughter I promise she’d be my girlfriend. (Sorry Melania, but you’re at least 30 years past your prime.) Iran should show Ivanka respect. She’s got birthing hips I’d start a war over! And Putin said she’d make a great next president, and Putin has great taste in presidents!”

“She’s got my Trump genes, so you know she’s super smart. And a great deal maker. Everything I’m the best at, she’s second best. She’s way smarter than Obama’s daughters. Obama’s dad didn’t start a super rich real estate company like my dad did, and Obama didn’t inherit any wealth at all! How stupid! Sasha and Malia aren’t third generation rich like Ivanka, so how good at business can they be?”

“If Iran had called Donald Jr. or Eric ugly, I’d have agreed, but Ivanka is a real piece of meat! If she weren’t my daughter, we’d have incredible babies. Tremendous beauty. Too bad Ivanka never did my Miss Universe pageant… That’s a locker room I’d love to snoop into!”

“I think she should be president after me. Wouldn’t that be great? I made America great again, but she’d make American hot again. But Iran committed the worst war crime anyone’s ever committed by calling her ugly, so I have no choice but to bomb them! You hear that, Iran? War’s back on!”

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