A new species of howler monkey just discovered deep in the Amazon river basin has been named after President Donald Trump.
The monkey, scientifically named Alouatta donaldea trumpis, is blonde-haired and spends most of its time in the Amazon canopy foraging for flowers, fruits, and nuts. The monkey has a complex social structure, with trumpis monkeys living in groups of six to fifteen.
One quite startling similarity to its namesake former president is the trumpis monkey’s reproductive behavior. Following copulation the female trumpis monkey will pee on its male mate.
Biologists are still debating the evolutionary reason for this post-coital behavior, but a few theories have been proposed. One suggests that the female trumpis monkey’s urine marks her mate and keeps competitor females away. Another theory suggests that the female trumpis monkey’s urine expels pheromones that make the male sleepy after copulation, allowing the female a time-out of sorts to rest before being bothered again.
Another unusual, Trump-like behavior is that male trumpis monkeys spend much of their free time when not foraging for food grooming their daughters, but don’t seem very interested in paying the same attention to their sons, who are forced out of the community when they reach reproductive age and are capable of competing with their dads for sexual mates. Father Trumpis monkeys have been observed making mating calls at their favorite daughters, however, incestual relationships have not, at least yet, been confirmed.
Age in general seems to play an important role in the dynamic social relationships of the trumpis monkey. Trumpis males have been observed casting out older females, effectively exiling them from their social groups in order to preserve resources for younger females. Older male trumpis monkeys, meanwhile, have been observed mixing leaves and twigs with the hair on top of their heads to hide thinning patches, as well as smearing various fruits on their faces to give themselves colorful, more youthful appearances. Biologists say the behavior reminded them of Donald Trump’s habit of smearing noticeably fake foundation makeup all over his face.
Donald Trump’s spokeswoman was asked for a comment on the eponymous taxon naming, and she said that Trump has never peed on a monkey, and that any Russian tapes allegedly revealing such behavior are both fake and classified, as well as protected by executive privilege. I believe the Trump communications team misunderstood my comment request.
Follow me on Twitter, Threads, Spoutible, or Post.News to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me on Medium to keep up with my daily writing studio.
Check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
Also check out my poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
The Halfway Post 