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- Todd Blanche is reportedly demanding Satan refund his soul that he traded in exchange for Trump nominating him as Attorney General because the Republican Senate won’t confirm him, and he feels Satan is not keeping his end of the bargain.
- The Trump Administration is reportedly having trouble finding lawyers to hire who are chill about losing their law licenses for the dumbest lies and most petty prosecutions imaginable.
- Several Texan churches with pastors who have endorsed Ken Paxton over James Talarico from the pulpit are complaining about plummeting attendance and “virtually zero membership” among Millennial and Gen Z adults, who the pastors call “naive, unrealistic, Woke libtards.”
- Trump’s midterm strategy is reportedly to bank on his supporters being too stupid to realize that his policies have made all their problems in life worse.
- Trump is now selling an exclusive data service through his Trump Media company that provides early warning to customers when he shits himself.
- 74-year-old John Cornyn’s testosterone level has reportedly risen to the level of a 25-year-old since March when he lost his primary and decided he’d start standing up to Donald Trump and publicly call out his party’s Trump Derangement Syndrome.
- Trump reportedly attended a prayer breakfast this morning, and, when he was asked what his favorite story from the Bible was, he said he just watched a movie about Jesus and then explained the entire plot of Christopher Nolan’s “The Odyssey.”
- A viral MAGA midterm boycott petition has Trump voters and conservative influencers vowing to stay home in November if the Iran War is still going on and the Epstein Files haven’t been released.
- REMINDER: If Dr. Fauci had just let Republican voters raw dog COVID, enough might have died that Kamala Harris would be president right now.
- Mike Johnson has ordered his staffers not to show him any reports or personally mention Trump’s latest scandal about Capital One closing hundreds of his business accounts for blatant money laundering so he doesn’t haven’t to give the media a comment for a few days.
- A top GOP official expressed frustration over GOP senators blocking Todd Blanche’s confirmation because, “If everyone involved in covering up the Epstein Files and Trump’s laundering of tax dollars got blocked, Trump’s cabinet would have three people in it.”
- Top GOP pollsters are warning that Trump’s directionless Iran War, chronic inflation, nonstop grifting, flip-flopping on Ukraine and Russia, antagonizing of all our allies, demolition of D.C., and flagrant Epstein Files obstruction are leading to a collapse in MAGA enthusiasm, and Democrats are increasingly likely to flip Senate seats in NC, ME, OH, TX, AK, IA, and FL.
- A MAGA voter just had an epiphany that if Trump is capable of lying about the Reflecting Pool vandalism, Trump might also be capable of lying about having an Obamacare replacement plan.
- After Trump asked his lawyers why Todd Blanche is making him look guilty of pedophilia, rape, and sex-trafficking by getting outsmarted in court by Katie Phang, his lawyers reportedly just stared at him for several moments until he fell asleep in his chair.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 