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- Trump reportedly demanded his lawyers sue “Reacher” star Alan Ritchson for calling him a pedohpile, but abruptly exited the room after they explained the discovery process would require him to release all the Epstein Files and give a DNA swab.
- Trump just yelled, “It’s coming in two weeks!” even though no one asked him anything.
- White smoke was just seen above the CPAC headquarters, which means that the GOP’s “Closetocracy” has elected their next leader to replace Lindsey Graham.
- The Tate Brothers are reportedly complaining that the jail clothes they’re now forced to wear is irritating their skin after years of exclusively wearing high thread count women’s clothes.
- JD Vance reportedly just had “the talk” with his newborn baby about how he and his siblings aren’t “heritage Americans.”
- Mitch McConnell’s staffers say he’s in a “temperature rehab.”
- Todd Blanche is reportedly threatening that if he’s not confirmed as Attorney General he’ll work to cover up the Epstein Files and let Trump steal tax dollars “even harder.”
- MAGA fans are reportedly threatening to boycott the 2028 election if the GOP primary turns into a 2-way race between Marco Rubio, a hispanic anchor baby, and JD Vance, whose wife and kids aren’t white.
- Mitch McConnell’s staff say his political action committee’s suspicious payments for industrial grade formaldehyde have nothing to do with his disappearance.
- During prep for his next press conference, Trump reportedly screamed at his staffers who, while pretending to be journalists, asked how the critically low stock of air defense munitions is both “fake news” and “Joe Biden’s fault.”
- Trump is reportedly furious that people keep going to his rallies to yell “pedophile protector” at him, and reminding his voters that he hasn’t kept any of his promises about releasing the Epstein Files.
- Trump’s cognitive problems are reportedly being documented by his lawyer bills because he gets charged every time he calls them demanding they sue someone for calling him a pedophile, and they have to explain again it would require him to release all the Epstein Files.
- A Republican House member claims no one ever heard about anyone being gay, bi, or trans until Dr. Fauci forced everyone to get vaccinated for COVID.
- Trump reportedly does 95% of his presidential work in a 30-minute window each day from 11:15am-11:45am after he has taken enough pills to finally be alert and cognizant, but before his noon 3-Big-Mac lunch that makes him crash and nap the rest of the day.
- Several Senate Republicans are reportedly suffering from diarrhea today after they filmed themselves eating salads for lunch to troll Dr. Fauci after Fauci criticized Republican health policies including food regulation cuts and vaccine conspiracy theories.
- MAGA fans are threatening to boycott the 2028 election if the GOP primary turns into a 2-way race between Marco Rubio, a hispanic anchor baby, and JD Vance, whose wife and kids aren’t white, but they promise it’s not because of racism.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 