New York City, NY—
In a strange opinion segment this morning, the hosts of Fox & Friends spent several minutes discussing the controversy of Disney’s recent casting decision in the new The Little Mermaid film.
The titular character will be played by a black actress, and many of Fox News’ TV personalities have taken offense for some reason.
“Everyone knows mermaids are white,” explained Steve Doocy. “Of course they’re white. They may be mythical creatures adapted into fictional characters and storylines, but it was a white Scandinavian guy who wrote the book this specific Disney story is based off of. That means the mermaid character has to be white, forever, with white people’s hair. I especially don’t want to see a hairstyle on this mermaid that little white girls don’t naturally have. Are you listening, Disney? The mermaid can’t have any dreadlocks, you hear me? And no afros either. No box braids, no Bantu knots, no jumbo braids, no Fulani braids, no twist braids, no Nubian twists, no Senegalese twists, no twist outs, no coiled buns, no fro hawks, no braided mohawks, no high tops, no low caesars, no pineapple ponytails, no cornrows, no Marley twists, no yarn braids, none of that! Only the original red, straight, Nordic hair. Well, I take that back. The mermaid can have blonde hair if Disney wants. But that’s it! Nothing else can change. The rule is you can make our beloved fictional characters more Aryan, but not less. Because a Scandinavian writer wrote this. So this character has to look like that region, no matter how many centuries pass since the story was written. Now, if a black or Chinese person had written The Little Mermaid, we’d be having a different conversation.”
“If that was the case, I’d still argue the mermaid should be white, though,” explained co-host Brian Kilmeade. “Because America is a white nation, and even if The Little Mermaid had been written and animated in an African hut, the Orient, or by some real dark-skinned aboriginal in Australia, we should be allowed to airbrush the mermaid or something before the film releases in the US. That’s fair, right? It’s just a bigger inconvenience for me to have to see a black mermaid than for people of color around the world to have to see a white mermaid. I’m used to seeing white animations, so why should I have to change my expectations? They’re used to seeing our white American cultural exports anyway. So why mess everything up? Though I guess if this upcoming mermaid movie was a contemporary adaption where the mermaid was like a slave, or a housemaid, or a crack baby or something, then I could understand the mermaid being black, but…”
“Let me cut you off right there for a second,” interjected a worried looking Doocy. “I think what you’re trying to say is that you think Disney should just not try to fix something that’s not broken right? Everyone loves a white mermaid, so why change it now?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess so,” stammered Kilmeade. “At the end of the day, this is just the latest attack by liberal Hollywood elites to inject race controversies into every aspect of our culture. First, they said Jesus wasn’t white because he happens to be from a geographical region where white people have historically not lived. Then companies and stores started making black Santa Christmas decorations for black families as a direct affront to my Christian, First Amendment freedom to only have commercialized representations of holiday characters exclusively for white people even in stores around the country I will never personally shop at. What’s next? Are the liberal elites going to tell us Martin Luther King, Jr. was black? Will they start printing history books where MLK is an African-American? How many great, amazing, white heroes are they going to ruin for us?”
“Um, the producers are telling us we’re out of time and have to cut to a commercial break,” Doocy cut in real quick before the show abruptly switched to a Trump campaign advertisement for a commemorative coin with an etching of Trump’s hands on it underneath the caption “Not small at all!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!