New York City—
In a strange opinion segment this morning, the hosts of Fox & Friends spent several minutes discussing the controversy of Disney’s casting decision in the new The Little Mermaid film. The titular character will be played by a black actress, and much of Fox News’ TV personalities have taken offense for some reason.
“Everyone knows mermaids are white,” explained Steve Doocy. “Of course they’re white. They may be mythical creatures adapted into fictional characters and storylines, but it was a white Scandinavian guy who wrote the book this specific Disney story is based off of. That means the mermaid character has to be white, forever, with white people’s hair. I especially don’t want to see a hairstyle on this mermaid that little white girls can’t emulate. So Disney, are you listening? The mermaid can’t have dreadlocks, you hear me? And no afros, no box braids, no bantu knots, no jumbo braids, no twist braids, no cornrows, no marley twists, no yarn braids, no nubian twists, none of that! Only the original red hair. Well, I take that back. The mermaid can have blonde hair if Disney wants. But that’s it! Nothing else can change. The rule is you can make our beloved fictional characters more aryan-looking, but not less. Again, a Scandinavian dude wrote this. So this character has to look like that region, no matter how many centuries pass since the story was written. Now if a black or Chinese person had written The Little Mermaid, we’d be having a different conversation.”
“I’d still argue the mermaid should be white, though,” explained co-host Brian Kilmeade. “Because America is a white nation, and even if The Little Mermaid had been written and animated in an African hut, the Orient, or by some bearded aboriginal in Australia, we should be allowed to airbrush the mermaid or something before the film releases in the US. That’s fair right? It’s just a bigger inconvenience for me to have to see a black mermaid than for a black person to have to see a white mermaid because this is America. Now if this upcoming mermaid movie was an adaptation where the mermaid was like a slave, or a housemaid, or a crack baby or something, then I could understand the mermaid being black, but—“
“Let me cut you off right there for a second,” interjected a worried looking Doocy. “I think what you’re trying to say is that you think Disney should just not mess with something that’s not broken right? Everyone loves a white mermaid, so why change it now?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess so,” stammered Kilmeade. “At the end of the day, this is just the latest attack by liberal Hollywood elites to inject race controversies into every aspect of our culture. First, they said Jesus wasn’t white because he happens to be from a geographical region where white people have historically not lived. Then companies and stores started making black Santa decorations for black families as a direct affront to my Christian, First Amendment freedom to have commercialized representations of fictional holiday characters only for white people…what’s next? Are the liberal elites going to tell us Martin Luther King, Jr. was black? Will they start printing history books where MLK is an African-American hero? How many great, amazing, white legends are they going to ruin for us?”
“Um, the producers are telling us we’re out of time and have to cut to a commercial break,” Doocy cut in real quick, and the show abruptly switched to an advertisement for a commemorative coin with an Election 2016 electoral map etched on it.
(Picture courtesy of Fox News.)