Trump Voter Almost Puts Himself In The Shoes Of A Caged Refugee 4-Year-Old

Dallas, TX—

The draconian immigration policies that the Trump Administration designed to be intentionally abusive toward migrant and refugee children have generated copious controversies, but conservatives throughout the country have largely turned cold shoulders and blind eyes to the suffering in their support of President Donald Trump.

This is particularly hypocritical in the Evangelical community, which has traditionally prided itself on moral righteousness and compassion for human pain and trauma.

The Halfway Post recently sat down with one conservative Evangelical Trump supporter named Frank Allen, and he explained he had briefly considered these immigrants’ plights, but then thought better of it.

“I was a little worried at first,” explained Allen, “Especially because I have kids. When all this began, I almost started to wonder how I’d feel if my kids were taken from me and locked into cages, but then I remembered that I’m already in America so I’d never be in that situation. Why would I ever leave the USA? Is it my fault these kids weren’t born into the greatest country ever like me and my kids were? Of course not! Is it my fault God obviously likes my kids more than he likes these Central American kids? God has a mysterious plan, what can I say? Who am I to question it? It’s looking pretty apparent God does not want these kids to be able to brush their teeth. But it’s not like I have no heart. All these reports about concentrations camps, and metal cages, and the lack of tooth brushes and clean clothes sometimes start to bother me, but, anytime one of these news stories seems excessively negative, I just remember that Jesus allowed Trump to beat that hag Hillary so Trump must have Jesus’ endorsement. It was much easier when I traded my ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ slogan for ‘What Would Trump Do?’ It has helped me rationalize a lot of things in my life, actually. Like, for instance, would Jesus cheat on his wife? Probably not. Would Trump? Big yes on that one! My life has gotten so much freer since I started acting more like Trump, and honestly it’s nice to do all the things I used to feel guilty about. My wife hates when I hit on other women in front of her, but maybe I should physically abuse her like Trump did with Ivana, his first wife. It worked for the President! Donald J. Trump is pretty much the king of the world despite his life of abuse, fraud and cruelty toward others, so clearly Jesus is okay with Trump’s infidelities and ethical lapses. It turns out Jesus is way more accepting of sin than I used to think! Maybe I should go make sexually suggestive comments to my teenaged daughter!”

The Halfway Post reporter asked Mr. Allen if because he thinks Trump’s election suggests God and Jesus endorsed Trump, did Obama’s elections suggest God and Jesus endorsed Obama.

“Of course not,” answered Allen. “That was the Devil’s work. God is a Republican, though sometimes Satan is capable of helping the Demon Rat Party winning an election.”

“The devil won two consecutive elections?” asked The Halfway Post reporter.

“God works in mysterious ways,” answered Allen. “Fortunately God’s plan makes sense when things happen the way I personally want them to.”

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s