Study Confirms That Trump Doesn’t Turn People Bad, He Attracts Already Bad People

St. Louis, MO—

A new exhaustive study conducted by several collaborating universities in the St. Louis area has finally answered the age-old question of whether President Donald Trump turns the people around him into terrible human beings, or if he merely attracts already terrible human beings into his personal and political orbit.

“This question has really stumped the American people since Donald Trump began running for President,” explained the study’s lead sociologist Julian Erickson. “Right off the bat, he had campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who was a real douche about everything from manhandling journalists, to admitting on TV he had no obligation to tell the truth to the American people, and to backstabbing other members of the Trump campaign. Then of course we can’t forget Paul Manafort, who served as the Trump campaign’s CEO, and is now serving time in prison for decades’ worth of fraud and corruption. Then there’s Roger Stone, the self-described ‘Dirty Trickster,’ who was found guilty of crimes. Rick Gates is guilty as well, and Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen. George Papadopoulos served time. Then Trump’s closest allies in Congress are all giant douchebags, from Matt Gaetz to Jim Jordan.”

The St. Louis-based study compiled detailed analyses on Trump’s associates and plotted all known legal transgressions and asshole-like behavior on a graph to figure out how proximity to Trump exacerbated their awfulness.

“Our study conducted extensive background checks on just over 250 people who were hired by Trump for various business and political roles throughout Trump’s life, and we interviewed family, friends and teachers of these individuals to accurately measure their personalities according to a ‘Dickhole Meter’ we created that combines data from police records, domestic abuse and sexual assault accusations, social media vitriol, and various discriminatory slurs used in public statements to get a clear picture of just how terrible the people around Trump truly are. The Dickhole Meter gives a grade from 1-100, with 100 being about as big an asshole as one can be. We assembled a control group of 75 random Americans across 15 different communities ranging from rural to urban in order to rate their Dickhole Ratings and get an average Dickhole measurement to compare to Trump’s associates. We tuned and tweaked our Dickhole measuring system and survey materials until we arrived at a point where 50 was the true average of the Dickhole meter, and, when we applied it to the people Trump keeps around him, the findings were eye-opening. Donald Trump himself was a 98 on our scale. Only Stephen Miller was higher than him, who scored a perfect 100.”

The people close to Trump had overwhelmingly higher Dickhole Ratings than the composite average score from the control group. The following are Dickhole Ratings of some of Trump’s associates:

Corey Lewandowski: 96

Paul Manafort: 82

Roger Stone: 87

Michael Flynn: 74

Rick Gates: 67

George Papadopoulos: 61

Mike Pence: 69

Jim Jordan: 93

Matt Gaetz: 90

Mike Pompeo: 81

Bill Barr: 91

Kellyanne Conway: 73

Rudy Giuliani: 83

Mitch McConnell: 88

Kevin McCarthy: 81

“As you can see, our survey pretty definitively shows that Trump attracts already terrible people, and his effect on their conduct and personal character is pretty minimal because they’re already pretty shitty. The only exception is the Trump kids, who of course were much more influenced by Trump himself. Eric’s rating was 78, Don Jr.’s rating was 86, and Ivanka’s rating was actually the highest at 92. She may try to obsessively manicure her public image, but our survey proves she’s a giant dickhole.”

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