St. Louis, MO—
A new, exhaustive study conducted by several collaborating universities in the St. Louis area has finally answered the age-old question of whether President Donald Trump turns the people around him into terrible human beings, or if he merely attracts already terrible human beings into his personal and political orbit.
“This question has really stumped the American people since Donald Trump began running for President,” explained Julian Erickson, the study’s lead sociologist. “Right off the bat, he had campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who was a real douche about everything from manhandling journalists, to admitting on TV he had no obligation to tell the truth to the American people, to backstabbing other members of the Trump campaign. Then, of course, we can’t forget Paul Manafort, who served as the campaign’s CEO, and is now serving time in prison for decades’ worth of fraud and corruption. Then there’s Roger Stone, the self-described ‘Dirty Trickster,’ who ended up in jail. Rick Gates is guilty as well, and Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen is in prison. George Papadopoulos served time. And we can’t forget how Trump’s closest allies in Congress are all giant assholes, from Matt Gaetz to Jim Jordan.”
The study compiled detailed analyses on Trump’s associates, and plotted all known legal transgressions and asshole-like behavior on a series of graphs to figure out how proximity to Trump correlated with their awfulness.
“Our study conducted extensive background checks on just over 250 people who have been hired by Trump for various business and political roles throughout Trump’s life,” continued Erickson. “We interviewed family, friends, and teachers of these individuals to accurately measure their personalities according to a ‘Dickhole Meter’ we created that combines data from police records, domestic abuse and sexual assault accusations, social media vitriol, and various discriminatory slurs used in public statements in order to get a clear picture of just how terrible the people around Trump truly are. The Dickhole Meter gives a grade from 1-100, with 100 being about as big an asshole as one can be. We assembled a control group of 75 random Americans across 15 different communities ranging from rural to urban in order to rate their Dickhole Ratings and get an average, composite Dickhole measurement to compare to Trump’s associates. We tuned and tweaked our Dickhole measuring system and survey materials until we arrived at a point where 50 was the true average of the Dickhole Meter, and, when we applied it to the people Trump keeps around him, the findings were eye-opening. Donald Trump himself was a 99 on our scale. Only Stephen Miller was higher than him, who scored a perfect 100.”
The people close to Trump had overwhelmingly higher Dickhole Ratings than the average score from the control group.
The following are Dickhole Ratings of some of Trump’s associates:
Corey Lewandowski: 98
Paul Manafort: 91
Roger Stone: 93
Michael Flynn: 86
Rick Gates: 73
George Papadopoulos: 69
Mike Pence: 78
Jim Jordan: 97
Matt Gaetz: 91
Mike Pompeo: 89
Bill Barr: 90
Kellyanne Conway: 73
Rudy Giuliani: 84
Mitch McConnell: 82
Kevin McCarthy: 79
“As you can see, our survey pretty definitively shows that Trump attracts already terrible people, and his effect on their conduct and personal character is pretty minimal because they’re already pretty shitty,” Erickson revealed. “The only exception is the Trump kids, who of course were much more influenced by Trump himself. Eric’s rating was 81, Don Jr.’s rating was 88, and Ivanka’s rating was actually the highest at 93. She may try to obsessively manicure her public image, but our objective survey scientifically proves she’s a giant dickhole.”
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