Trump Told New Press Secretary He’s Hoping For More Of A “Kim Jong Un Vibe”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has a new press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, and Trump has reportedly given her some suggestions on how to do the job.

The following transcript is from an audio recording a White House staffer captured of Trump’s introductory meeting with McEnany, and leaked to The Halfway Post:

“I’m so glad you’re here, Kayleigh. Stephanie Grisham, she was fine, but I’m looking for a little more flair from my press secretary. Something that says ‘President Trump has supreme power.’ You know, I went to North Korea, and they have the most amazing press spokespeople you’ll ever see. You wouldn’t believe what they say about Kim Jong Un. They say he has super powers, can control the weather, and can even turn winter into spring with his mind. And he’s a chubby little pork boy with no talents for anything. But they believe it. They really do. That’s the kind of media aesthetic I’m looking for. So if you could say things like, that I learned how to ride a bike at two-years-old, or I invented cell phones, or frozen yogurt was my idea, that would be great. You know, start off small, right? And then work up to things like I designed the American flag, and I have superhuman strength, and I won a bunch of war medals in Vietnam for valor and bravery. If we start small, I think we can convince my supporters bigger things as time goes on. I convinced them I was good at business despite the biggest personal bankruptcy ever, so it can’t be that difficult. My supporters will believe practically anything, and I’m interested to see how far I can take their blind loyalty, you know? And maybe really up the patriotism factor. I wish I could arrest everyone who said something bad about me, but the military says that’s illegal, or immoral, or some BS like that. But maybe you could start saying everyone who says anything bad about me hates America, you know? Like, say that Nancy Pelosi is a card-carrying member of the Afghan Taliban, and Chuck Schumer has a tattoo of Saddam Hussein butt-fucking George Washington. See what I mean? I just want to say, thanks so much for hopping aboard, Kayleigh. A lot of people don’t know this, but it’s actually very hard for me to find someone willing to work in my administration. They always turn down my offers saying things like ‘I know a sinking ship when I see one,’ or ‘I don’t want my name to forever be associated with American fascism,’ or ‘your preposterous leadership style and my critical thinking skills would make working for you a Hellish nightmare.’ I don’t know why they all say that. But with your knack for casting aside every iota of ethical responsibility and personal credibility to say literally anything for temporary, short-term political gain, I think you and I will go very far together, Kayleigh!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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