Christian Pastor Thomas Philbertson of Tulsa just announced he will be taking a two-week break from pastoral duties due to infection from the coronavirus. While this would usually be a sad story to report, the irony of Mr. Philbertson’s positive COVID-19 test is, frankly, hilarious.
Philbertson has spent the last three months promising his congregation that it was physically impossible for heterosexual Christians like himself to catch the coronavirus, and has frequently used church services to show off his certainty by walking up and down the aisles and licking his church members’ palms.
Philbertson went viral a month ago after posting a now-ironic video of one of his sermons on YouTube. The following is a transcript of that video’s most controversial excerpt:
“Folks, I’m not worried about the coronavirus one bit. I trust in Jesus Christ. And Jesus only lets queer, homo gays get the COVID. They should have named it the QUEERVID. And pedophiles can get it, and criminals, and Democrats, and Catholics, and Unitarians, and Lutherans, and atheists, and agnostics, and Muslims, and girls who show too much cleavage, and squirrels, and the Chinese. I will never get it. Because I am none of those. You see, Jesus comes to me in my dreams, and He tells me who is getting COVID and who will be safe. Then He tells me who is getting into Heaven and who isn’t. And I am definitely going. Jesus said I don’t even have to wait in line at the Pearly Gates. And Jesus said He’ll let me tell some of the gays they’re not allowed in, and pull the lever that opens the trapdoor in the clouds that makes them fall down to Hell. What an honor. Jesus told me He’ll let me do it because I’m the straightest person to ever live. I’m a heterosexual VIP. Jesus said that. I’m 100% straight. Maybe even 110% straight. Y’all here in this church need to study my example of godly straightness. Look at these skinny denim jeans I’m wearing, and these colorful boots with the red, white and blue of the American flag. Gay people don’t dress so American as I dress. And all these sequins on my denim jacket are because it blinds Satan. They’re very shiny, aren’t they? When I’m walking around, it’s like I’m blinding Satan’s eyes, so he can’t touch me with his slender, well-manicured gay fingers of flaming homosexuality he just wishes he could slip into my anus and make me climax by rubbing my male G-spot. And then use cucumbers and other phallic-shaped, satanic vegetables. But that would never happen. I’m too Godly, too pure of faith. I never even eat a phallic-shaped vegetable. No pickles, zucchini, carrots, or eggplants have ever gone into my mouth. That’s how not gay I am. My heart burns for only one man, and no others. Jesus of Nazareth. You see, because I’m so straight, my heart will never burn for plumbers who come over to fix my kitchen sink, and lean over so that their tool belt makes their pants slip down and their butt cracks show a couple quarter-inches. And my heart will never burn for shirtless cowboys throwing giant stacks of hay into the backs of trucks single-handedly with washboard abs. My heart will never burn for manly firefighters rescuing me from a burning building and holding me in their massive arms to safety where they’ll set me down inside an ambulance, throw one of those ripped arms over my shoulder, rub my back up and down to warm me up, and then give me their phone number and ask me to call them for coffee sometime next week. Not in a million years, Satan! My heart only burns for Jesus Christ. And because I’m not gay, Jesus will never let me get COVID. And he won’t let any of you get COVID either, unless you’re secretly homo. In which case, as I mention every Sunday, my house is always open at night after 8pm to come over and talk to me about it. It will be just the two of us, so you don’t have to worry about a thing. No one will ever know what kind of secrets you want to disclose to me, or role-play out so I can get a visual understanding of your sexual anxieties and guilts. We will pray very, very passionately, and figure things out about our sexuality together. Just gay men, though. No lesbians. Lesbians are too disgusting and satanic for my Christian powers to put back on the straight and narrow path of Godliness and heterosexual purity. I can’t do anything for lesbians. Talk about unmanageable the way their four cumbersome breasts must get in their way all the time. I don’t know how lesbian couples ever get anything done! And the idea of two moist vaginas rubbing together makes me want to vomit. Ew, I’m gagging right now. I can’t even look at one vag. They give me nightmares! I swear, nature never created anything so horrifying and aesthetically useless as a naked woman. So sorry, lesbians, I can’t do anything to keep you out of Hell. If there are any lesbians out there, don’t come to my house! I don’t want to hear a word about your problems. But closeted gay men, y’all just ring my doorbell. Tonight if you want. We’ll light some candles, pour some wine, and see where the night of prayer takes us. If you’re worried about coronavirus because of your gay-ness, I’m here for you. Because I’m 110% straight. Alright, everyone, it’s licking time, so get out your Bibles, turn to Leviticus 18:22, and read aloud from there with your neighbors until I get to you and lick all the way up to your elbows, at which point you can head out to the lobby and enjoy our refreshments. We have donuts with brown frosting, sausage links, and country-style gravy, and I actually recommend eating them together. Dip the sausage tips into the gravy, then rub ‘em on the frosting and get ‘em good and lathered up, and stick ‘em in the donut hole for a delicious mix of sweet and salty. It’s my favorite!”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Twitter here, Facebook here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.
More from The Halfway Post vault: