President Donald Trump hosted a press conference today about his administration’s approach to preventing the spread of the coronavirus, and promised this time he was telling the truth and definitely not lying about anything or hiding any inconvenient truths like he maybe did a little bit in his other press conferences in the past.
“Okay, everyone, this time is for real,” Trump said. “I promise this is the total truth on coronavirus. All the other press conferences I just had trouble remembering. This is the real one, the totally accurate one that will blow your mind how truthful it is. When I tell you, you’re going to say to yourself that you can’t believe how truthful it is. Everyone’s talking about how this press conference I’m giving right now is one of the most truthful conferences of all time. The fake news won’t give me credit for it, but I have done more about coronavirus than anyone has ever done for any disease or illness in American history. My response to coronavirus has been tremendous. Truly amazing. At Mar-a-Lago a few days ago it was all everyone was talking about. Some people at Mar-a-Lago tested positive for coronavirus since then, but it didn’t get me. I have no symptoms right now, so I’m 100% sure I won’t get any in a few more days. No way. And I might get tested. I might. We’re working on it. I most likely will. But there’s no reason to, so we’ll see. In fact, I got tested already. And it already came back that I’m negative. One of the greatest immune systems of all time. Maybe even better than Lincoln’s. And you can trust me. This is the total truth. The most truthful response to coronavirus of any president ever. No president has ever been more honest than me. Or done such great work. Extraordinary work. No one can believe the things I’ve done. So nothing to worry about, folks. And, whatever you do, don’t take your money out of the stock market. Keep it in. We like it in. Actually, you should buy even more stocks because of how beautiful our coronavirus response has been. And if the stock market continues to go down, it’s not my fault. But if it goes up it’s because of my extraordinary business brain. One of the best business brains of all time. Went to Wharton, and you know all that. Made billions and billions. But I promise there is nothing to worry about. The number of coronavirus cases has gone up a little bit in recent weeks, but everyone’s doing great. That number will probably be zero in two or three days, tops. I think it might. We expect it to go very low. We’ve rounded the corner. But it might go up. You never know with these things. These things are very tough. The toughest things you’ve ever heard of. No one could have imagined how tough. And we don’t want the number to go up, but who knows? We’re watching it, though. Very closely. No one is watching closer than we are, I can tell you that. So everyone, keep calm. And, whatever you do, don’t get tested because we want that number to stay low, low, low. So don’t get tested. But anyone can get tested. We’ve got so many tests now. We have so many tests you wouldn’t believe how many. Beautiful tests too. Tremendous tests. The best tests anyone has ever had. And everyone can get a test. But maybe in some areas there are fewer tests. A lot of people don’t know this, but it’s very hard to get tests everywhere. And my predecessors left me with very few. The cupboards were bare. You wouldn’t believe how bare. It’s criminal how bare. But we’re working on it. And everywhere else you can get a test. But there’s no reason to take a test. The cases are going very down. And our numbers are looking great right now. I love the numbers. No one can believe how low these numbers are. And we don’t want them to go up. That would be very bad. We don’t want that. Maybe some people want that, I won’t say who, but you know who they are. They want the number up. But I don’t want that. I want them low. So thanks, everyone. And thanks to my team. They’re doing amazing things. Some of the best work of all time. But if the numbers keep going up, maybe not so great work. Maybe I’ll need new people. I hope not. But we’ll see. I’d give myself an A+ because of the numbers. But if they get not so good, I take no responsibility. I’ve done everything perfect. The fake news won’t report it, but everyone is saying they can’t believe how perfect. But it’s very tough, okay? So let’s stop pointing fingers and assigning blame, okay? Because you wouldn’t believe the mess I inherited. Like I said, the cupboards were very bare. Maybe they had an explanatory booklet about catching foreign viruses early, but you can’t do any testing with a booklet, can you? And no one was calling for storing more tests than me. And masks. No one. I was saying it for so long. They said I was saying it too much. They said I was obsessed with tests. They said I never shut up about the tests. Big brain. But it’s going great. I’m not worried, the doctors aren’t worried, and I don’t think you should worry. So there’s no need to take a test and raise our numbers. We want the lowest numbers of all time. And we have them. But they’re going up a little. Just a little. Teeny-tiny. But we’re rounding a corner. You’ll see, in no time at all the number will be practically zero. Or very close. The fake news will call me a liar if I say zero and the number of cases only gets down to one or two. They’re the worst of the worst. But it’s going down beautifully. Almost like magic. Just wait. And the summer will wipe it out. Heat is a beautiful thing with COVID. It will be unbelievable. Unless people take too many tests. We don’t like that. And the doctors are calling everything COVID. If you have a paper cut, they call it COVID. If you bruise your knee, they call it COVID. They call everything COVID. So no tests. But you can totally get a test. And there are tests for everyone. But don’t take them, and definitely don’t take your money out of the stock market. Alright, thank you, everybody. God bless the stock market, and God bless how perfect my COVID response has been.
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