Trump: “Okay, This Time I Swear I’m Telling The Truth About Coronavirus!”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today hosted a press conference about his administration’s approach to preventing the spread of the coronavirus, and promised this time he was telling the truth and definitely not lying about anything.

The following are Mr. Trump’s remarks:

“Okay, everyone, this time for real… I promise this is the total truth on coronavirus. All the other press conferences I just had trouble remembering. This is the real one, the totally accurate one that will blow your mind how truthful it is. When I tell you, you’re going to say to yourself that you can’t believe how truthful this announcement is. Everyone’s talking about how this press conference I’m giving right now is one of the most truthful conferences of all time. The Fake News won’t give me credit for it, but I have done more about coronavirus than anyone has ever done for any disease or illness in American history. My response to coronavirus has been tremendous. Truly amazing. At Mar-a-Lago a few days ago, it was all everyone was talking about. Some people at Mar-a-Lago tested positive for coronavirus since then, but it didn’t get me. I have no symptoms right now, so I’m 100% sure I won’t get any in a few more days. No way. And I might get tested. I might. We’re working on it. I most likely will. But there’s no reason to, so we’ll see. In fact, I got tested already. And it already came back that I’m negative. One of the greatest immune systems of all time. Maybe even better than Lincoln’s. And you can trust me. This is the total truth. The most truthful response to coronavirus of any president ever. No president has ever been more honest than me. Or done such great work. Extraordinary work. My team has done incredible things. So nothing to worry about, folks. And, whatever you do, don’t take your money out of the stock market. Keep it in. Actually, you should buy more stocks because of how tremendous our coronavirus response has been. And if the stock market continues to go down, it’s not my fault. But if it goes up it’s because of my extraordinary business brain. One of the biggest business brains of all time. Went to Wharton, and you know all that. Made billions and billions. But I promise there is nothing to worry about. The number of coronavirus cases has gone up a little bit in recent weeks, but everyone’s doing great. That number will probably be zero in two or three days, tops. I think it might. We want it to go way down. We expect it to go down. But it might go up. We don’t want it to, but who knows? We’re watching it, though. Very closely. No one is watching closer than we are, I can tell you that. So everyone, keep calm. And whatever you do, don’t get tested because we want that number to stay down. So don’t get tested. But anyone can get tested. We’ve got so many tests now. We have so many tests it would blow your mind to know how many we have. You wouldn’t believe how many. Beautiful tests, too. Tremendous tests. The best tests anyone has ever had. And everyone can get a test. But maybe in some areas there are fewer tests. A lot of people don’t know this, but it’s very hard to get tests everywhere. And my predecessors left me with very few. The cupboards were bare. You wouldn’t believe how bare. But we’re working on it. And everywhere else can get a test. But there’s no reason to take a test. The cases are going very down. And our numbers are looking great right now, but we don’t want them to go up. That would be very bad. We don’t want that. Maybe some people want that, but we don’t want that. So thanks, everyone. And thanks to my team. They’re doing tremendous work. Beautiful work. Some of the best work of all time. But if the numbers keep going up, maybe not so great work. Maybe we’ll need new people. Who knows? I hope not. But we’ll see. I’d give myself an A-plus. Because the number of cases are looking good. But if they get not so good, I take no responsibility. I’ve done literally everything perfect, so let’s stop pointing fingers and assigning blame, okay? Because you wouldn’t believe the mess I inherited. It would blow your mind. We had no tests. Like I said, the cupboards were very bare. Maybe they had a booklet, but you can’t do testing with a booklet. And no one was calling for more tests more than me. No one. I was saying it for so long. They said I was saying it too much. They said I was obsessed with tests. They said I never shut up about tests. But it’s going great. I’m not worried, the doctors aren’t worried, and I don’t think you should worry. So there’s no need to take a test and raise our numbers. We don’t want high numbers. Only low numbers. We want the lowest numbers of all time. And we have them. But they’re going up a little. And the tests are making them go up. We don’t like that. The doctors are calling everything COVID. If you have a paper cut, they call it COVID. If you bruise your knee, they call it COVID. They call everything COVID. So no tests. But you can totally get a test. There are tests for everyone. But don’t take them, and don’t take your money out of the stock market. So thank you, everybody. And God bless the United States of America.”

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