Trump: “Okay, This Time I Swear I’m Telling The Truth About Coronavirus!”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today hosted a press conference about his administration’s approach to preventing the spread of coronavirus, and promised this time he was telling the truth and definitely not lying.

The following are Mr. Trump’s remarks:

“Okay, everyone, this time for real… I promise this is the total truth on coronavirus. All the other press conferences I just had trouble remembering. This is the real one, the totally accurate one that will blow your mind how truthful it is. When I tell you, you’re going to say to yourself that you can’t believe how truthful this announcement is. Everyone’s saying this press conference I’m giving right now is one of the best truthful conferences, maybe of all time. The Fake News won’t give me credit for it, but I have done more about coronavirus than anyone has ever done for any disease or illness in American history. My response to coronavirus has been tremendous. So amazing. At Mar-a-Lago a few days ago, it was all everyone was talking about. Some people at Mar-a-Lago tested positive for coronavirus since then, but it didn’t get me. I have no symptoms right now, so I’m 100% sure I won’t get any in a few more days. No way. And I might get tested. I might. We’re working on it. I most likely will. But there’s no reason to, so we’ll see. In fact, I got tested already. And it already came back that I’m negative. One of the best immune systems of all time. And you can trust me. This is the total truth. The most truthful response to coronavirus of any President ever. I don’t lie. I’m so honest. No one is more honest than me. So we’re doing great work. Extraordinary work. My team has done incredible things. So nothing to worry about, folks. And, whatever you do, don’t take your money out of the stock market. Keep it in. Actually, you should buy more stocks because of how tremendous our coronavirus response has been. And if the stock market continues to go down, it’s your fault, not mine. But I promise there is nothing to worry about. The number of coronavirus cases has gone up a little bit in recent weeks, but everyone’s doing great. That number will probably be zero in two or three days tops. We want it go way down. We expect it to go down. But it might go up. We don’t want it to, but who knows? We’re watching it, though. No one is watching closer than we are, I can tell you that. So everyone keep calm. And whatever you do don’t get tested because we want that number to stay down. So don’t get tested. But anyone can get tested. We’ve got so many tests now. We have so many it would blow your mind to know how many we have. Beautiful tests. Tremendous tests. The best tests anyone has ever had. And everyone can get a test. But maybe in some areas there are fewer tests. We’re working on that, but everywhere else, you can get a test. Just don’t take them. Our numbers are looking great right now, but we don’t want them to go up. So thanks, everyone. And thanks to my team. They’re doing such great work. Tremendous work. But if the numbers keep going up it’s all their fault. I take no responsibility for this. I’ve done literally everything perfect, so let’s stop pointing fingers and assigning blame. Okay? And stop taking tests and raising our numbers. And God bless the United States of America.”

Pundits across the political spectrum immediately pointed out that the President has literally no credibility left to the point where if he introduced himself to us as ‘Donald’ we should assume that’s not his real first name.

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