Washington D.C.—
Former Vice President Mike Pence is hitting the campaign trail early for the 2024 Republican presidential primary by attending as many GOP events as he can, and giving political speeches in several early voting states.
It remains to be seen if Mike Pence has any appeal as a presidential contender after four years of quiet, mindless loyalty to Donald Trump’s bombastically demagogic presidency, though his early events have earned very little press coverage or media attention.
However, this gives Mr. Pence valuable opportunities to try out various slogans, ideas, and branding choices while no one is paying attention to see what will inspire future interest in his presidential campaign when he officially announces his candidacy in a couple years.
The Halfway Post has attended all of Mr. Pence’s events so far, and the following are some of the more notable speech excerpts and marketing ideas he has tried out:
- Pence has floated several potential campaign slogans, including “Getting hard on socialism,” “Penetrating the Left’s radical agenda,” and “Cocky for America.”
- At an RNC event in South Carolina, Pence had the announcer introduce him as “Mikey.”
- During a Fox News TV segment, Pence made a subtle jab at his longtime rival Nikki Haley in which he pointed out that, unlike her, he never said anything bad about the Capitol Insurrection, even after the crowd tried to find him to literally hang him.
- At a GOP fundraiser in Los Angeles, Pence wore a 1950’s style sailor outfit for some reason.
- Pence has started giving out some odd freebie giveaways, including condoms with holes cut in them with thumbtacks and the image of Jesus frowning on the wrapper, pocket books of Leviticus, and “gay whistles” to carry on you and blow when you see a gay person to alert good Christians in the vicinity that a homosexual is nearby.
- Pence has started selling some odd merchandise choices as well, including coffee mugs, t-shirts and water bottles depicting Jesus on the cross with unnecessarily defined abs, pecs, and an adonis belt.
- During a speech in Iowa, Pence spent fifteen minutes ranting about how girls and women these days are flaunting their ankles and knees too much around in public.
- After telling a crowd in New Hampshire that he has Donald Trump’s personal phone number and they talk often, he called Trump, who picked up and asked who was calling. Pence identified himself, and then Trump said “Oh, did I say Donald? I meant…. um, John Barron. I think you have the wrong number. But, while I have you on the line, have you heard that newly single Jennifer Lopez is begging to go on a date with me—I mean begging to go on date with everyone’s favorite president, Donald Trump? Yeah, she won’t stop calling him. Incredible, right? Everyone’s talking about. She calls me—I mean him—and says, ‘Sir, you are the greatest president America has ever had.’ You wouldn’t believe how many calls for dates I get—I mean President Trump gets.”
- At a fundraiser in Nevada, Pence had the announcer introduce him as “Mick.”
- To date, a fly has landed on Mike Pence’s head at eleven separate events.
- At a GOP conference in Georgia, Mike Pence recited rap lyrics he wrote comparing Donald Trump to Batman and himself to Robin.
- Pence vomited all over himself onstage in Iowa when someone told him that his favorite song, “Y.M.C.A.” by the Village People, was about gay men.
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