Palm Springs, FL—
According to a Halfway Post source who has a membership at Mar-a-Lago for strictly journalistic purposes, every contract from the Florida resort with event planners and customers now includes a clause that reserves Mr. Trump the right to interrupt any festivities for 30 minutes to rant about whatever comes to his mind.
Donald Trump is already making good use of the clause, and so far has interrupted weddings, birthday celebrations, and even married couples’ anniversary dinners in which a waiter brings an extra chair and a Diet Coke for Trump to sit down next to two lovers and explain his theories on why the 2020 election was rigged against him.
Our source has carefully catalogued as many Trump interruptions as spatially possible, and the following are all subjects Trump has brought up during his 30-minute monologues:
- He noticed on January 3rd that his lunchtime steak’s ketchup tasted “off,” which to him is irrefutable proof that the Deep State was “everywhere” on the day of the election.
- He joked about photos of girls Matt Gaetz has shown him, and said he hopes Gaetz doesn’t have to go to prison because, since Epstein died, he hasn’t had a friend with lots of young girls hanging around anymore.
- At an awards ceremony for a local Girl Scout troop, Trump used almost all his time warning the girls about what monsters puberty is about to turn them into because of their periods.
- During a children’s cancer charity fundraiser hosted by Eric, Donald renounced paternity and listed a dozen ways in which Eric’s genetics are “obviously far inferior to a REAL Trump.” Trump then veered into genetics: “A lot of people don’t know this, but Trump genes are the only ones on Earth where every gene is dominant. Not a drop of recessive genes to be found. Scientists everywhere tell me, ‘Sir, you have the best genes, the most dominant genes we’ve ever seen!'”
- During a charity event to raise awareness about the societal evil of child sex-trafficking, Trump asked when the bidding for girls would start.
- Trump sat down at a table with a couple celebrating the wife’s 45th birthday, and told the husband that he always thought 45 is the age when it’s time to upgrade and get a younger wife. Then he sadly explained how being President made him have to stick with “old hag Melania” for much longer than he’d like.
- Trump routinely reads aloud the following poem he wrote about Megyn Kelly, titled “Megyn Kelly’s Wherever.”
Megyn Kelly’s Wherever, by Donald Trump
Blood! Everywhere! It’s smelly and glutinous,
And came from Megyn Kelly’s nasty uterus!
The children are scared, everyone is screaming,
Megyn’s hellish flow is endlessly streaming!
The debate stage has flooded, it’s practically a river,
All of Real America joined with me to quiver!
The chaotic source must be wider than China,
All of Satan’s devils spilled out of her vagina!
She had a look in her eye that terrified my soul,
I said someone quick! Get her some birth control!
She made me feel sick, and I felt like a wussy,
We have to plug up her ungrabbable pussy!
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Twitter here, Facebook here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.
The Halfway Post 
5 thoughts