Palm Springs, FL—
Former President Donald Trump has just filed lawsuits against each of his ten grandchildren for leaking details of his personal life to teachers, classmates, and sports coaches.
Mr. Trump claims the leaks violate the very strict nondisclosure agreements he forced all his grandchildren to sign as infants. As soon as they started babbling sounds in early, developing mimicry of speech, Trump put a pen in their tiny hands and forced them to sign. He also reportedly gave them each fifty cents’ worth of hush money.
The following are details of Trump’s private life that his grandchildren have let slip in various public situations:
- “Grandpa is still in diapers. He’s very stinky.”
- “Grandpa is scary without his hair and makeup done.”
- “I have three grandmas, and Grandpa says bad things about all of them!”
- “Grandpa is mean to Daddy” (Eric).
- “What is a ‘f***ing idiot,’ and why does Grandpa call Daddy that every day?” (Don Jr.).
- “Why does Grandpa kiss Mommy like Daddy does?” (Ivanka and Jared).
- “Grandpa must really like sugar because he’s always snorting it. His favorite is blue sugar.”
- “One time, Grandpa’s teeth fell out, and I hid them, and he got very angry and hit Daddy a lot” (Eric).
- “Grandpa calls himself a ‘babe magnet,’ but I always see females running away from him, not toward him!”
- “I don’t like ketchup because of Grandpa.”
- “I’m not going to fetch Grandpa any more Diet Cokes until he pays me. He says he’ll give me a dollar for each can I deliver, but he never pays!”
- “I saw Grandpa dressed as a woman one time at night when he thought I had gone to bed!”
- “Grandpa said his next girlfriend will be my age” (13).
- “Why do Grandpa’s friends look like vampires?” (Rudy Giuliani, Stephen Miller).
- “Grandpa doesn’t let Daddy eat until Grandpa’s already full, and all the food is cold” (Don Jr.).
- “Grandpa calls Daddy a ‘globalist’ a lot” (Jared Kushner).
- “Grandpa always borrows my middle school yearbooks, and never gives them back.”
- “Grandpa only remembers Aunt Ivanka’s kids’ names, and says he wishes he could have been in her womb too.”
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