New York City, NY—
There is a civil war brewing in the Trump family, and the Trump kids are reportedly fighting amongst each other over who will inherit the most money in their father’s will, who will get which Trump-branded property, and who will get their father’s endorsement to run for president in 2024 or beyond.
According to family friends of the Trumps, Eric and Donald Jr. have committed to an alliance together to better combat the seeming advantage Ivanka and her husband Jared Kushner seem to have in their father’s heart.
“I’m not going to speculate on any kind of secret alliance,” explained Eric Trump in a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post, “but I will say that my father has very bad taste in daughters. My half-sister Tiffany is way hotter, if you ask me, which I can say from the half of me that is not related to her. I don’t know why my father loves Ivanka so much, I personally think she’s gross and a total phony. My brother Don Jr. just coincidentally happens to agree with me that Ivanka is a stuck up brat, and that her husband Jared has no business inheriting any of the family money through Ivanka. All he cares about is stealing what rightfully belongs to me and Don Jr. I think he only married Ivanka to get our dad’s real estate properties. Everything he does is calculating. I’ve even heard him tell Ivanka to change into more revealing clothing when we’re meeting up at family gatherings to impress our dad. He’ll tell her to put on a pushup bra, or wear a shirt with a deeper V, and then he’ll ‘accidentally’ drop things in front of Dad so Ivanka can bend down in front of him to pick them up. It’s gross! And totally unfair because my dad yells at me to pull my pants up when I do the same trick. My butt cleavage isn’t good enough for my father, but Ivanka’s boob cleavage is? Give me a break! And then sometimes Jared sends text messages to our dad from Ivanka’s phone with photos of her in her bra, and then writes ‘Oops, that was meant for Jared.’ But it’s so obvious what he’s doing! And it’s unfair because when I ‘accidentally’ send my dad photos of my wife in her bra, he texts back that I’m a loser and missing out on valuable tabloid press attention by not publicly cheating on her. How come these tricks work for Jared and Ivanka, but not me?”
Donald Jr. also responded to a Halfway Post phone call.
“Ivanka and Jared think they’re like JFK and Jackie,” explained Don Jr., “but they’d be the worst power couple in American history. Jared would make the world’s ugliest First Lady! He’d be even uglier than Abigail Fillmore, and she was hideous! So Eric and I have entered into an agreement to handicap them in the eyes of our father. We’ve even got Melania on our side. She hates Ivanka even more than we do, so she’s willing to do anything we ask as long as we promise to give Barron a good job in the Trump Organization once Eric and me are made co-presidents of the company. She’s been secretly crushing up estrogen pills and sneakily stirring the powder into Jared’s coffee at the White House. If Ivanka is going to beat me to the presidency, we’ll make sure she actually does have a First Lady! Ha! Meanwhile, Eric just stole Ivanka’s diary, and is starting a Tumblr blog where he publishes all of Ivanka’s secrets online! We’re going to reveal how Ivanka has weekly dreams in which she ditches Jared and elopes to Canada with Justin Trudeau and becomes princess of Canada or whatever. Eric is also going to reveal how our dad used to ask her for urine samples when she was a teenager claiming they were for doctor checkups, but now it’s pretty obvious he was doing gross things with her pee. And now that the State of New York is really getting into all of our creative accounting schemes at the Trump Org, me and Eric are developing a legal strategy to pin all the fraud, theft, and lying on Jared and Ivanka. Right now as we speak Eric is burning all the tax documents we signed, and making copies of all the tax documents Ivanka signed. Ha! We’re going to ruin Jared and Ivanka!”
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