Do you need some advice on how to cut stress out of your life? The GOP is here with tried-and-true life hacks we’ve utilized for decades!
Are you in debt? Ask your employer for a pay cut! Your boss will save so much money I’m sure he’ll trickle down an unbelievable amount of wealth to you. And who knows how many extra jobs he’ll create for you? When your entire daily schedule gets to full employment for all 24 hours, you’ll be living the high life!
Is your neighborhood filled with litter and trash? Forget about it! Why start doing anything about it before your neighbors do something first? You don’t want to risk crippling your personal financial situation by wasting gas money and valuable time to take your trash to a dumpster down the street. And, besides, there’s no reason to believe your little bits of litter thrown out the window every few hours are directly causing that mountain of trash in your backyard. The Earth has always had trash, and always will!
Is your house crumbling apart? Spend only the bare minimum on maintenance! Is a leaky roof or a rickety staircase worth going into debt to replace? What about your potential stock gains? All your expendable money should go into stocks because you’ll never become a billionaire while spending frivolously on a new water heater, air conditioner, or fixing your ungrounded electrical outlets! If your nieces and nephews don’t want to be shocked when they plug in their iPads, maybe they ought to take personal responsibility and bring their own portable external batteries. Or, best of all, you could let a private company fix your broken electrical outlets and charge fees for your nieces and nephews to pay when they’re recharging their devices!
Does your brown-skinned neighbor look “sketchy?” Report him to the Department of Homeland Security! If he’s a real, red-blooded American, he has nothing to worry about with a friendly checkup, and if he’s an illegal terrorist, you’ve done your civic duty. Or, better yet, stockpile some guns and ammo, and make sure you always have more than him. And don’t stop at guns, buy some grenades and rocket launchers too. You need to spend more than all your neighbors combined, and this is the one expenditure you should definitely put on a credit card. And then maybe even invade that jerk’s house preemptively. Who knows what he’s scheming over there across the bushes. Exact some long-deserved regime change at that address, and I guarantee his kids will thank you for liberating them!
Is your homeowner’s association trying to raise dues? Go to your next HOA meeting and raise Hell! Don’t let them steal your hard-earned money to fix the neighborhood pool, or add workout machines in the gym, or cut everyone’s lawns! Demand the HOA cut your dues at least by half, and then insist that everyone buys their own pools from now on. Accuse your HOA of being “fascist communists” who are trying to bribe your minority neighbors with socialist gym equipment, then organize a mob to invade the HOA office and threaten to hang the HOA’s vice president if your demands are not met in full! When the police investigate later, just assure them that you’re a patriot who loves the HOA, and it’s better to just move on rather than obsess over the past.
When in doubt, just remember that no communal problem ever has to be your personal problem! Just worry about yourself, and everything will work itself out. And if it doesn’t, it’s definitely your sketchy neighbor’s fault!
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