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- White House staffers say that when Trump falls asleep during cabinet meetings and press conferences, he “loses all sphincter control.”
- CPAC officials are reportedly warning that their secret gay parties will be less fun this year because of projected budget problems now that Viktor Orbán will no longer be laundering Russian money to them.
- Top GOP officials are worried that, because the current president is a Republican, their usual campaign strategy of hyping up migrant caravans won’t work to get out the vote in these midterms.
- Barron Trump is reportedly nervous after a US soldier got arrested for winning $400,000 on a bet about Nicolás Maduro’s capture because his father’s approval ratings are in the toilet and Democrats are likely to take back at least one chamber of Congress.
- Trump’s new plan to collapse the Iranian government is reportedly to send JD Vance to Tehran to walk around and give several speeches campaigning for the new Ayatollah.
- Trump is reportedly demanding that Iran open up the Strait of Hormuz before his birthday in June as a birthday present.
- Historians are adopting Kim Jong Un’s insult for Trump and calling the Trump years period in US history as “the Dotard Years.”
- The Pope is reportedly willing to challenge Trump to a publicly administered cognitive test.
- Iran is reportedly talking with Israeli and Russian diplomats and cutting out Donald Trump completely because his dementia and Dunning-Kruger ignorance make negotiations with him pointless, and he just does whatever Netanyahu and Putin are blackmailing him to do anyway.
- Trump is reportedly asking around for advice on how to fire Pete Hegseth and Kash Patel without it looking like he made big mistakes hiring them in the first place.
- For the first time a journalist has reportedly told Trump on a phone call, “Every single claim you have made about this war has been proven a lie within hours, and I will not be publishing anything you’ve told me today.”
- Expert doctors are warning Trump may have to do “preventative leg amputations” below his knees due to the extreme swollen condition of his cankles, which are almost certainly contributing to his infamous body odor many have described as “smelling like death.”
- The Earth’s rotational spin reportedly slowed down by 1/8th of a second today because of how many billions of people around the world rolled their eyes when they heard Trump announce for the hundredth time he was real close to an Iranian peace deal.
- Trump is reportedly worried he’ll be one of the “loser presidents” who die of natural causes in office.
- FBI agents pissed at Kash Patel’s disastrous mismanagement reportedly keep giving him “large” sized shirts and jackets to wear at press conferences instead of his usual “small” so that he looks extra little.
- Trump has reportedly been bragging to White House staffers that his doctors “can’t believe” how mushy his brain is, and he claimed the doctors told him it was the “gooiest brain they had ever seen on an MRI scan.”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
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The Halfway Post 