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- Donald Trump is reportedly complaining to his aides that Joe Biden is likely to die before him so Biden’s funeral will “upstage” his own funeral and make it seem like a lame copycat production with Biden’s ceremony getting more attention and having greater cultural significance.
- Climate projections of this year’s historically strong El Niño are projecting several “super hurricanes” forming at the exact latitude of Mar-a-Lago.
- Marco Rubio has reportedly threatened to stop wearing the Florsheim shoes Trump gave him that are three sizes too big if Trump makes him ride the decoy plane one more time.
- White House staffers say Trump gets so many bribes from his favorite cyclosporiasis-tainted fast food suppliers for exemptions from FDA regulations that he “proudly announces to everyone how much money he just earned every time he has a runny diarrhea dump.”
- Trump’s young aide Natalie Harp reportedly passed out after spending 20 minutes in the unventilated food truck with him after he caught cyclosporiasis from a recent Taco Bell dinner, and she had to be carried onto the new plane with an oxygen mask.
- Trump posted several AI cartoon memes of himself today in which CNN’s Kaitlin Collins thinks to herself in a thought bubble that Trump smells so good she wants to buy a perfume made out of his scent.
- With Katie Phang and several pissed off federal judges poised to blow up the Epstein Files coverup just 3 days after his confirmation, Todd Blanche is reportedly worried his name will replace “Scaramucci” as an even more embarrassingly small unit of time of employment.
- Trump is reportedly so far in denial about his plummeting approval ratings that he has stopped watching even Fox News, and now spends no less than 6 hours every day scrolling through AI memes of himself.
- A top MAGA website just published a list of 10 liberal actresses Trump staffer Steven Cheung reportedly believes would be hotter if they lost 15 pounds.
- Trump’s lawyers reportedly asked him in a meeting this morning, “You sue everyone, so why don’t you want to sue the people calling you an Epstein pedophile if you’re so insistent the allegations are provably false?”
- A new study found that the number of Americans who report being excited to see the 25th Amendment in action for the first time in US history against Trump is rising 2% every week.
- Executives at Fox News are reportedly relieved Mike Lindell lost his Minnesota gubernatorial primary and will disappear from the headlines because every time they hear or read his name they get PTSD flashbacks of the $787.5 million settlement Lindell’s crackpot election fraud claims made them have to pay.
- White House staffers say the ubiquitously bad and humiliating news for Trump — including Katie Phang’s legal wins, Iran’s defiance, the leaks about his plane decoy cowardice, and Democrats’ surging midterm blue wave — have led to him giving off “Jim Jones vibes” by ranting about how “the end is coming.”
- Texas GOP officials say Ken Paxton is much more Christian than James Talarico (who earned a Master of Arts in Theological Studies and is now studying toward a Master of Divinity) because Paxton’s suspicious $9 million collection of real estate properties is “just like Jesus turning the 5 loaves of bread into a feast.”
- Stephen Miller reportedly keeps the temperature in the coffin he sleeps in at night at exactly 66.6 degrees.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 