“To everyone making fun of the rumors of my mental incapacitation I’d like to say, ‘I’m not brain dead, you’re brain dead!’”
“I’ve medically died twice while in the hospital, and only willed myself back to life after I thought I could faintly make out one of my nurses whispering in my ear that another Black president was trying to pass universal health care.”
“I may have fallen short of my goal of making the liberal president from Illinois a single-term president in the 2010s, but, if I had been in the Senate in the 1860s, I totally could have stopped that decade’s liberal president from Illinois getting reelected! Lincoln had such a weak opposition party after most of the Democrats seceded to form the Confederacy. He was practically playing on easy mode! They let him appoint five Supreme Court justices. Five! Never would have happened on my watch.”
“And I definitely could have blocked the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments from passing in the Senate! Senators back then were so unimaginative with the filibuster and other obscure obstruction tactics. I could have ruled Congress with an iron fist! But I wouldn’t have done it because of racism… it would have been because of the slave owners’ economic frustration!”
“In many turtle species, the temperature of the sand during incubation decides the baby’s sex with warm temperatures producing more females and cool temperatures producing more males. I think that’s pretty neat!”
“I sold my soul to Satan in 2010 in exchange for the Tea Party winning the GOP big majorities in the House and state capitals across the country so we Republicans could gerrymander all the Congressional districts, and then thwart President Obama’s agenda and prolong the economic misery of Americans long enough for Democrats’ approval to plummet so the GOP could win the Senate in 2014 and make me Senate Majority Leader. My only regret is I have but one soul to sell.”
“Why did Paul Ryan get a fun photoshoot in the gym lifting weights with his hat on backwards, and no one asked me? I’m a fun, trendy guy who’s hip with the youths too!”
“I suspect my wife might be a spy because, if I’m being honest, it’s suspicious she was ever attracted to me and tolerated my peculiar herpetological obsessions. I’m not exactly a looker. And I have a rural Kentucky accent that sounds, as Donald Trump has described it many times, like I have a mouth full of marbles. But now we’ve been married for so long, and she’s had proximity and easy access to so many top-level documents full of classified government secrets that I’ve been bringing home to read at night over the years that I’m afraid to know the truth.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m a cold-blooded angel damned and suffering in a warm-blooded hell.”
“On my first fact-finding trip abroad to Europe as a junior senator in the 80s I paid an East German hooker to feed me lettuce for three hours in a Berlin hotel room while I squirmed around on the floor with two trash can lids tied together covering my stomach and my back. It earned me my first ethics investigation for misuse of public funds. Thankfully, though, it didn’t amount to anything because back then Congress was much more laissez-faire about expenses on foreign trips… and hookers.”
“It was kind of weird when I first disappeared in the hospital and my wife didn’t come back from her trip to China for several days, right? It’s not just me?”
“Turtles’ sharp beaks are made of keratin, which is what human fingernails are made of. I think it’s groovy that the scientific orders of primates and testudines evolved so wildly different, yet still are so genetically similar. It’s estimated we share between 70 and 80 percent of our DNA, though anyone who has seen a photo of me could attest that I’m personally closer to the higher end of that scale.”
“FDR had polio too, you know. I believe he and I would have been a great political match for each other. I wonder how many of the New Deal programs I could have killed had I been around in the 1930s. But the real adventure would have been Weimar Germany. For fun I sketched out a legislative strategy I believe could have rammed through the Enabling Act to make Hitler dictator at least 6 months earlier than the Nazis managed, and without even needing a Reichstag fire!”
“I never voted to protect the trans community, but I have always empathized with them. I too know what it’s like to feel like an imposter in my own body. Sometimes, when my wife isn’t home, I sneak into her closet and put on her thickest gloves and pretend my hands are webbed, and then I dump all her clothes off their hangers onto the ground, and I roll around in them pretending I just hatched from my egg and have to rush to the ocean before any birds or other predators can eat me while I’m at my most soft and vulnerable stage of life. Then I imagine I’ve returned to the exact same beach years later, and I dig a great big hole in the pile of clothes to lay dozens of eggs of my own to keep the majestic circle of life going for another generation in the spectacular 230 million year span of turtles’ ecological endurance.”
“I regret not impeaching Donald Trump after January 6th. What a missed opportunity to exert more power than any other Senate Majority Leader in US history by forcing a president from office. Everything Trump did following the 2020 election was of course wildly corrupt, undemocratic, unAmerican, and Constitutionally deserving of impeachment, but the sheer power aspect is what gets me hard!”
“I have put many other gods before Yahweh, including Moloch, Baal, Ashtoreth, Chemosh, and Dagon, and I have impishly promised my soul to all of them in exchange for Kentuckians not realizing each time I’ve campaigned for Senate reelection over the last 40 years that I have not made our state any less dependent on the federal government or the civic charity of higher-taxing, wealthier blue states.”
“What got me through childhood polio was my dream to someday run a turtle-themed hotel where every room would include a mini herpetarium with a different turtle species from southwestern Kentucky so all my customers could interact with them and develop an appreciation for the unsung heroes of our planet’s freshwater ecosystems.”
“One of the times I died, I saw Jesus in front of the Pearly Gates of Heaven, and Jesus said He was very disappointed in me for using my public service jobs exclusively for extracting partisan power for the Republican Party as well as myself rather than making my constituents’ lives better in meaningful material ways. So I told Jesus that if I could come back to life, I’d have an Ebenezer-Scrooge-esque moral transformation, and I’d spend the rest of my days tirelessly working to promote social welfare and progressive taxation policies, and even vote to impeach Donald Trump over his tyrannical executive overreach. Then Jesus snapped His fingers in a great white flash, and suddenly I was awake back in my hospital bed. So I immediately pulled out my IV, said three ‘Hail Satans,’ and when the Dark Lord appeared I asked him to send his servant army of vampire bats and plague rats to come break me out of the hospital, wheel me in my wheelchair to the Senate floor, and raise one of my emaciated, skeletal arms so I could vote for Trump’s SAVE act to end free elections in America once and for all because Jesus is a socialist libtard, and my single most important metaphysical goal is making Jesus a one-term Messiah!”
“I’ve masturbated more to comic book pictures of April O’Neil from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than real women.”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 