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- Kash Patel says he will begin investigating anyone who calls Donald Trump the following names on social media: VonShitzenpants, Diaper Don, Mushroom Man, the Senile Penile, Rotten Roast Beef Stench Man, Epstein’s Pedophile Gentile, or the Short-Fingered Vulgarian.
- Expert doctors are warning Trump may have to do “preventative leg amputations” below his knees due to the extreme swollen condition of his cankles, which are almost certainly contributing to his infamous body odor many have described as “smelling like death.”
- Kash Patel reportedly wore one of his “FBI: Female Body Inspector” shirts today accidentally instead of a real FBI shirt.
- A female journalist just asked Donald Trump, “Why do you call women ‘Piggy’ when you have bigger tits than any woman in the press corps?”
- Several children on a White House tour reportedly asked Trump why his face is orange, his hands are purple, and why he smells “like doo-doo.”
- Kash Patel is reportedly beginning to regret spending the last two weeks subjecting all his FBI staffers to intense lie detector tests to find out who accused him of being paranoid and prone to wasting the Bureau’s time.
- Mark Halligan, Director of the Los Angeles 2028 Olympic Committee is reportedly designing a special medal for Trump because “everyone knows he’s gonna be a whiny little bitch unless he gets one.”
- A new poll found that 0% of the Republicans who have contributed to Project 2025 want their own daughters and wives to die from pregnancy complications that could be prevented with an abortion, just other people’s wives and daughters.
- Trump is reportedly pissed because he’s having trouble convincing staffers to do shady, illegal things for him because the polls suggest Democrats will win big in the midterms and the risk of Democrats investigating and prosecuting them is getting higher weekly.
- A Fox News host complained today that the Snickers candy bars “look too much like veiny, black penises for Christians to eat.”
- There’s a new reality show being developed called “Republican City” that will have contestants live for a year in a town where everyone is armed, there’s no minimum wage or healthcare, pollution and child labor are totally unregulated, and women’s rights revert to the 1850s.
- A televangelist from Louisiana claims Taylor Swift’s new album is “brainwashing an army of young women and girls into feminist freedom fighters to someday conquer the United States and enslave all the men and peg them.”
- America fearfully awaits Susan Collins’s likely coming announcement that Trump has learned his lesson about associating with sex-traffickers so the Epstein Files don’t need to be released.
- Presidential historians voted unanimously today to name Donald Trump as America’s “Piggyest President.”
- A Saudi official accidentally said on a hot mic during a recent press conference that Trump smelled worse than his camel, saying, “Seriously, am I crazy? I cannot be the only one who smells him. Why does no one say anything to him about it? American culture is way too polite for it’s own good. You don’t even get flogged in the town square for insulting the leader in America, so what are they all afraid of? It’s a favor actually to let him know he smells like rancid feces and death. It’s amazing how his staffers just put up with the stench, and smile through the olfactory torture! Does Trump smell like that on purpose as a power move? That would be psychopathic, wouldn’t it? I mean, even Trump has to know he smells like a bowl of goat cheese that someone vomited in and then left out in the sun for a week. Do you suppose the diaper rumors everyone has heard are true? Wait is this microphone still on?”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
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The Halfway Post 