New York City, NY—
According to anonymous sources connected to the FBI, the investigation into Rudy Giuliani’s criminal conduct has unearthed truly wild things on his laptops and cell phones recently confiscated by the Department of Justice, including the following:
- A folder titled “Definitely Not Evidence Of Crimes” that leads to another folder titled “NO FBI ALLOWED” that leads to a folder titled “Mother’s Christmas Cookie Recipes” that leads to another folder titled “Empty Folder With Absolutely Nothing In It” that leads to a folder titled “Weightlifting Journal” that leads to a folder titled “Empty For Real” that leads to a Word document titled “Way I’ve Made Money The IRS Maybe Doesn’t Know.”
- A 600-page essay written by Giuliani positing that vampires are real and living among us.
- Exhaustive research on what type and brand of coffin he wants to be buried in.
- Dozens of fake Twitter accounts pretending to be various demographics of people he very much is not, all filled with pro-Trump tweets that begin “As a black gay man…” and “As a suburban white woman…” and “As a former mayor with perfect teeth…”
- Xeroxed copies of Law For Dummies with the excerpts in the introduction highlighted and annotated with notes, but none of the other pages.
- A Google search history that includes “How to stop butt-dialing journalists during sketchy-sounding discussions with foreign criminals,” and “Is it unhealthy to eat lots of documents and printed memos to hide them forever?” and “How to make my head look less like a bowling ball,” and “Hillary Clinton topless.”
- Various sketches of his hand in his pants during his pose on the bed in the infamous Borat movie scene that “prove” he was only tucking in his shirt.
- Dozens of scanned copies of McDonalds receipts in a folder titled “Reimbursements Trump Owes Me.”
- Maps of Ukraine apparently suggesting possible locations of buried treasure.
- An apparently unused strategy from 2018 he wrote up about cross-dressing as a woman to seduce Bob Mueller and convince him to end the Russian investigation.
- A comic book that Giuliani has been writing and drawing called “America’s Mayor” featuring himself as a crime fighting hero. For some reason he draws himself with unnecessarily big bulges in the underwear he wears on the outside of his leotard, and he has hair that goes down to his shoulders.
- Several photos of The Beatles in which he apparently photoshopped his face onto Ringo Starr’s head for some reason.
- Sketches of alien faces and bodies accompanied with lengthy descriptions of several abductions he claims really happened to him.
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