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- Kash Patel is reportedly threatening to sue anyone who calls him “J. Edgar Boozer.”
- Staff members at the various nightclubs Kash Patel parties at are reportedly willing to testify against him in his lawsuit against The Atlantic because he doesn’t tip well, he creeps out the bottle service girls, and he “wrecks all the toilets.”
- Kash Patel is reportedly freaking out because he knows too much about the Epstein Files to be fired, but is too incompetent to stay, and his drinking to cope with his coverup complicity makes him too big a risk for the rich, powerful pedophiles to not “take care of.”
- Mitch McConnell secretly died three months ago and no one noticed.
- Kash Patel is reportedly pissed his lawyers didn’t tell him that his lawsuit against The Atlantic will now require his staffers to testify under oath about his private schedules, drinking habits, and take weekly breathalyzer tests.
- Several Republicans in Congress have reportedly told Donald Trump that Kash Patel has to go or Congress will embarrass them both by voting with Democrats to impeach Patel and block any replacement until Trump nominates someone who acts like a serious adult… lol jk this one is obviously 100% made up because this Congress of Republicans would literally never do this in a million years.
- Trump is reportedly getting pissed because every time he demands Iran agree to a peace deal, they keep telling him they will “in two weeks.”
- A major prediction market is currently betting Kash Patel has a 98% chance of dropping his lawsuit against The Atlantic before the discovery phase begins.
- Trump is reportedly pissed Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer resigned abruptly this week because now he feels he has to wait at least a month to fire Kash Patel or Pete Hegseth, and they’ll continue being historic fuck-ups the whole time.
- Military officials say that Trump is kept out of the room during high-risk missions because he “has lost all sphincter control,” and the smell is too distracting to everyone monitoring the operation.
- The FBI reportedly installed a breathalyzer lock system on the door of Kash Patel’s office.
- Two hundred Native Americans are reportedly going to do a special new iteration of a rain dance tomorrow outside the White House to call on the Great Spirit to speed up Trump’s inevitable heart attack.
- No Republican can explain how trust fund nepo baby Jared Kushner, rich from billions in influence-peddling bribes solicited from Gulf dictators, sabotaging peace with Iran after scheming secret war plans with Israel outside the State Department isn’t “textbook treason.”
- A new poll found that 93% of Americans approve of Democrats releasing all the Epstein Files on day one of the next Congress, and confiscating the wealth of every criminal in the Epstein Files to pay off the debt or expand healthcare access.
- After Virginia voters approved the state’s Democratic gerrymander, a GOP VA House member who will be losing his seat, staff, and political power cried on live television whining, “It’s unfair that Democrats did exactly what we did in 2011!”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
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The Halfway Post 